I'll Follow You (GirlxGirl)

34. I would do anything for that smile

I am lying on the couch in the middle of the night playing with my wedding ring, as I listen to Jace and Andi's sleeping song. This time of the day is the lonely one. There is no wife to kiss Goodnight. No Ethan and Nathan to watch go to bed, and no Jace that laughs and no Andi that is babbling like her mother.

It's been three weeks since, Sky took the children with her and moved in with her parents. Still, I have only three things on my list. I think I am stuck, but I have painted the living room and the boys' bedrooms. Seems like it do not give me any ideas like it did the first time, but it keeps me going. While I am waiting for my family to come and visit me. Sky have brought them three times this week and it's not enough, when you are used to have them around you all the time.

In a way, I feel like a prisoner in my own house. I can go out the door, but I can't go and see my family when I want. Sky provides me everything, I do not mind, but I want her next to me all the time. I can't sleep right, but it is not as bad as it was before. Which is good, but weird. I don't know why that has changed. I can't really complain about it either. It's nice to have at least around six hours of sleep.

I lie on the couch. I can't be in the bed without Sky. It feels wrong and lonely, but I also need Andi and Jace's song when I sleep alone. I see their smiles when I do. They have the most amazing smile, just like the boys and Sky. Their smiles make my heart pleased.

I think I am getting better, I hope I am. Don't know if I have had any bad thoughts for a while. Except that I am missing Skylar and my kids. That is what is killing me now. Not that horrible voice in my head. It hurts a lot and I know Sky knows that. She watches me guilty for torturing me, but she is right, even if it feels awful. I need to learn how to respect myself.

I have never loved anyone so much as I love my family and Sky is right I would do anything to make them all come back. That is what I have been doing, for over three weeks now and I am never going to give in. I am going to find most of the things I like about myself. I am just a little stuck on it right now, but I am not going to qui... I take my note out of my pocket.

'I love that I am too stubborn.' Sky might not like it sometimes, but if it were not for that, I would not have found Jace his sleeping song and made him and Andi sleep together again. If I didn't, it could have taken months before he stopped, but instead it took three weeks. That was something I was proud of.

My wife is right finding things that I like about myself makes me feel better. Didn't think it would, but it does. I just need to look back at all the good I have done so far in my life. Falling in love with Sky is the best I have ever done, getting the boys and now we have Andi and Jace. The perfect life and still I can't be satisfied with myself. Well, it's not as bad as it was, but I need more time. I love them all too much to let them down.

I know I have to treat myself better or I will break down in the end. Sky would break down, much more than she did. She might be angry sometimes, but I freaked her out that day and I don't blame her for it. She needs me in a full state of mind, they all do. I can't go around talking bad about myself when my kids are older and will understand. It might make them do the same, and I know that it hurts to walk around with a mind that hates you.

The last thing I want is to hurt my kids and Sky, even though I did, but I am going to change that. No matter how long it is going to take, because I love them and you give everything to those you love. I thought that being quiet and doing everything without complaining was the right thing, but Sky wants me to talk about what I think and what I feel about everything. Being quiet is something I have always been and changing that is going to be very hard, but I am trying. It makes Sky smile at least, and I would do anything for that smile.

I close my eyes and kiss my ring Goodnight.