Give In

With or Without You

Mom found the old camcorder, but she got a little too nosy and I think I hurt her feelings. But there was no time for apologies. I rushed to my room and clicked the first tape in.

I couldn't help but laugh when I saw Weiss's small face on the screen. It was kindergarten graduation. I watched and then gasped as I saw my own chubby cheeks. I had forgotten we walked down the aisle together.

The tape ended and I popped in another. One more after this one.

My face popped up again. And again. My birthday where Weiss had been the only one to show up. And the Christmas program where I had gotten the lead solo and aced it perfectly. And my.. I didn't even know he went to that...he went to my church when we had the Christmas play. I had been a sophomore that year, and being the oldest, I got to be Mother Mary. You might think it was creepy...your best friend showing up to everything....keeping everything... obsessive even. But this was Weiss. The computer nerd who took the time to put together a collage of me...because he loved me... not because he was a creep.

I popped in the third and saw to my amazement, Weiss, on guitar. I didn't even know he played guitar. He looked about 12 I think.

He waved to the camera, "Hi. Lydia. Its me... Obviously. I learned to play guitar! And I'm recording your favorite song...by U2. At least it was your favorite song...depending on when you listen to this... Depending on if you ever  listen to this. I mean if you do, I'll probably just take this part I'm saying right now out since I'm a computer geek-" he shook his head and then grinned. I did too. "Anyway, here goes. This ones for you, Lydia."

My breath caught and my heart skipped a beat as I heard the first few notes. This had  been my favorite song. He hadn't even liked it. But he listened.

12 year old Weiss began to sing and as he did, the real song began in the background. Good old computer nerd Weiss. "See the stone set in your eyes, see the thorn twist in your side. I'll wait...for you."

12 year old Weiss cut out and was replaced by an older version singing, "slight of hand and twist of fate. On a bed of nails she makes me wait. And I wait. Without you....With or without you... With or without you."

Another older version appeared singing, "Through the storm, we reach the shore." And another, "You gave it all but I want more. And I'm waiting, for you."

The words held more meaning when he sang them. I could feel  the torture I put him through.

16 year old Weiss appeared as there was a break in the song. I could here 'with or without you' softly in the background as he said. "Hey Lydia." He did that thing he always did when he was irritated, where he'd look down and scratch his nose with his thumb nail. It made me smile at the familiarity of it. 

He looked at the camera again. "You uh... Got dumped for the first time today. Geesh, I don't even know why I'm doing this." He motioned to the camera but then continued, "I thought maybe you'd realize it was me after that. But...you just told me that it was ok, that Conner was interested in you and that I was a great friend." He gave a half-hearted laugh and then the scene faded into him singing again "And you give yourself away,"

He appeared again, looking a bit older with scruff starting to grow. "It was Zach today." He looked like he might cry. The song continued in the back ground singing "and you give, and you give, and you give yourself away." All the while Weiss was listing names. "And before that Justin. You know I didn't mind Justin, he just... Oh Lydia. When are you going to learn? I love you." He took a shakey breath before being replaced by Junior aged Weiss.

He held no guitar this time, he was just singing his heart out with tears running down his face.  "My hands are tied, my body bruised. She's got me with nothing to win and nothing to lose."

Then the Weiss I know now appeared. It looked like him from just a couple of days ago actually. "Lydia, listen. I was never going to give you this. I never got the courage to. But I sang it. Every year. And whenever I just needed to get my frustration out, here I was talking to this camera. Now... Now I just think you need to know. So I patched it up. I made this from all my years trying to be...trying to make  you what I needed to live for. You were always the reason, whether it was for living or dying. But I realize, I can't make you that reason if you don't want to be. So here I am, Lydia. With or without you. Here I am." He reached up and turned the camera off.