A Year and 365 Days

Chapter 31

Her pulse quickened along with the headache as the astringent liquid went down her throat. The rough puckering like sensation didn't make her hesitate one minute. She was sitting on the windowsill of her apartment. Her feet on the metal balcony where the ladder was incase of a fire. She blew a few puffs of smoke in the air as she took another chug of whiskey. She hadn't smoked since she was 17, to say the least. She didn't care tonight. All she wanted to feel was numb, for once in her life she took matters into her own hands. The empty feeling was all she wanted now. To feel nothing and to be nothing, for the moment at least. Who could care less? She felt apart and alone, having to struggle in the dark with monsters that cried alone, waiting for her to come along and join.

Her hand reached into the grocery bag for the  bottle of the whiskey. She had made her way to the liquor store before reaching the dark apartment, picking up a few bottles of whiskey, some for now, some for later . She had picked up three bottles and the cashier had looked at her questioning her. Either way, it would all be finished at some point or another. Olivia was only a train lost in the wind. She hadn't crashed yet, no not yet, but soon it would be an event to remember. The cold atmosphere of the apartment didn't help either. Every day, she would come to an empty apartment, having to deal with her aching body, preventing herself to just fall to the floor and give up. The woman had a sense of why she was alone freezing, being left alone to cry and fend for herself.

"Man's enemies are nor demons, but human beings like himself"

It was possible to have been the angel that reigned around the squad room, but the angel had suddenly turned to the dark side, listening to the demons that overthrew her. Olivia had the knowledge that her own demons and inner strengths along with the physical battles, had guided her throughout her life. Now, the demons had returned to haunt her. They would always be around that corner to taunt her, to make her turn to her old ways again. Those were the black out days. Her own happiness was hidden within the demons howling in her head. Those were the good old days that ceased to exist.

The evil was her shadow that haunted her her entire life. The light, support, guidance, and healing had burn't out long ago. Victims she had told dozens of times saying "You struggle with demons and you conquer them", yet for herself, that was nothing true to the point. Not for Olivia Benson, not anymore.

She had demons haunting her, but she herself didn't know how many she had been fighting all her life. Just as if someone could walk through a house and know what's going on inside until you walked in, but for Olivia, she was the one that had walked into her demons. Therapy hadn't healed her at all, it only made her recognize the demons. Like she had said to others countless times, "We all have our inner demons", that was true, that part at least. Every minute of the day, she was at the verge of moral collapse that could erupt at any time now. She saved it all for the lonely nights spending time ticking away the clock with the oxidized drink that sat in front of her. It was important to face your own demons. Not now though. Her mind taunted her. Her long living demons had manifested themselves into her in different ways, through her responsibilities, anger, sadness, and healing, but all of it is not just an emotion, it's a demon.

She opened the second bottle, taking in the smoky aroma to her nose. For now, she sided with her demons