It's taken a lot to get where I am now, you were definitely the most difficult part of my life. I hate you almost as much as you hated yourself. You poured yourself into being normal until there was nothing left to give. At that point, there was nothing of you left either. You are going to find yourself though. Don't worry. I know it's scary but you're still in there. Being normal sucks. Being trans almost sucks more. Yes, things will change when you transition. Yes, you will have to cut ties when you come out. That's not the important part. The important part is how you feel right now. The depression you feel right now is real. You're not just sad and it won't go away on its own. You can't keep pretending to be a girl. I hate you because of how being you made me feel. I hate you because you represent the most out of control and painful part of my life. If you take your own life, I can never exist. If you kill yourself, you can never become me. I know how much you want to be me. I know how much it hurts you. I hate that I can't take that pain away.
