Bad Blood

Being Alone is no Different than Being Dead.

I woke up alone to a cool breeze kissing my skin and tendrils of sunlight caressing my face through a multitude of tall, surrounding trees.

Where am I?

I sat up disoriented from the soft grass, and then I remembered.

All of the horrid memories of last night came back; getting beat up and almost raped, running away, and then almost being eaten. It was all so unbelievable that if I hadn't woken up in the woods then I probably never would have thought this had ever happened. My mind would've fooled me into thinking it a nightmare.

Then I thought of my savior with the enchanting grey eyes.

I remembered being so grateful for it saving my life, the only nice thing that anyone had done for me in a really long time.

Where did it go?

I recalled that it had fallen asleep with me, its comforting presence and warm black fur, a nice memory.

I desperately wished that it would have stayed. I couldn't point a finger on it, but there was something familiar about it that sparked something in me.

Last night, I couldn't see very clearly through the dark of the forest. It was all shapes and shadows with small, narrow beams of moonlight scattered throughout.

Now with the bright shining sun, I could see everything perfectly clear.

The clearing was full of abundant, lovely colors.
It truly hasn't changed one bit since the times I used to come here with Caleb.

The flowers floating in the wind, the lake gleaming in the sunlight, and the small rodents running around freely gave the place a calm and beautiful atmosphere. The thick trees masking the place about its perimeter, made it all so much better. It was blatantly obvious why the place was a childhood favorite of Caleb and I.

I just wished my life was not as messed up to be able to appreciate the scenery.

In my eyes, the place had always been beautiful, but it was even more so now in the late summer, which used to be my favorite time of the year. The time when summer finally started to turn into autumn, where the air cooled beautifully, and nature started to change its rich colors that I couldn't seem to care about now.

The only downside to the  changing seasons was school.

My melodramatic thoughts suddenly turned into an angry rant.

School was the perfect place to find egoistical people and back-stabbing friends and patronizing teachers and conceited, insecure, bitchy little girls. It was the one place I actually hated more than my own home because it was all completely fake.

At least, at home my father never pretended to be anything that he was not. He was a dick, he knew he was a dick, and he acted like one. 

Whereas, everything about school was fake. Students always acted like someone they're not, just to please others. Girls always did anything they could  to fit in. Students constantly putting others down-bullying them to make themselves feel better. I hated the concept of such a fake society, but I hated more the fact that I had to be apart of it.

I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists.

I hated being obligated to go everyday and forced to somehow act like there was nothing wrong with me or with the school or with
the world full of narcissistic people.

The angry emotions that washed through me suddenly  included a wave of depressive thoughts.

Why and how did mother have to die?
Why can't my father love me?
Why does Caleb hate me?
Why does everyone hate me?
Why does everyone have to be so mean all the time?
Why did I do to deserve all of this?

I just want to be loved. At least, by one person, but it would never happen. The most messed up thing about it all, is that I blame myself for all of it.

I blamed myself for my father's alcohol addiction.
I blamed myself for my mother's death.
I blamed myself for Caleb and I's broken friendship.
I blamed myself for Melanie and I's broken friendship.
I blamed myself for just not being enough.
I blamed myself for not being good enough to love.

I wish I was dead, so the pain would go away.

I abruptly stopped that disastrous train of thoughts and closed my eyes, calming down my rapid breaths.

What the hell just happened?
I must be going crazy.

Never once in my entire life had I ever thought about suicide. That shocked me so much that I had to lay back down on the grass before I totally lost it.