I'm not very good at this, introducing myself. I mean, I am actually, I've moved every two years. Unfortunately meeting strange, new people never get's old.
This is the story of my life, well technically my misadventures, but we'll get to that later.
:-)
My name's Ellen, and yes before you say anything. It's the exact same name that Ellen DeGeneres has, coincidence, absolutely yes. There are thousands of people with the exact same name as me, so before you go spewing nonsense about how much you love The Ellen Show, save it. God, that must sound super mean... but I have a life story to tell people! We do not need to be getting side tracked by Ellen Freaking DeGeneres! Darn! Well I guess we're too late, see that happens a lot, and I bet you'll notice it a ton after I just pointed it out. Anyways, let's get back to my tale.
My name's Ellen. I came into the world on a beach. Yep, the type with the salt water and sand that goes into extremely uncomfortable places. This is exactly where my misfortune starts.
My family was stationed in Virginia, this great little state filled with weird little people. At the time my sister Sid was just older than two. She was the picture perfect little girl. She was blessed with her with golden blond ringlets, sky blue eyes, and don't forget the most adorable rosy cheeks. Jewish Jesus, if you're up there and care, please help me. Sid also happened to be a super chill baby. I mean like almost zero crying, and of course she always smiled. So my parents, having given birth to such a wonderful child decided that they would bring another sweet, innocent, babe into our world. I don't think they really ever considered the fact that they might have possibly been creating the antichrist...
So anyways, my mom, dad, and Sid were on the beach. Mom was close to nine months pregnant. You'd think that she had some common sense and decided not go to the beach, I mean she was practically ready to shoot me out of her any day. Unfortunately, they went to the beach. Sid said it was sweltering, but she exaggerates about everything- one of the only things we have in common. Dad was comforting my extremely irritated mom.
* Life lesson: extremely pregnant women, hot sun, itchy sand, and helicopter husbands don't mix well.
Mom felt me stir. She said I used to be like a kick boxer, so she just dismissed it as nothing. I mean I knew that I was coming, but no one else did so they just sat under the umbrella watching my nut of a big sister attempt at making a "sand castle".
KABLAM! Pain shoots through my mom. The little miracle known as myself was making their entrance. I've always been known to make a scene, but nothing amounts to my birthday.
"Sweetheart, he's coming!"My mom shrieks, but my dad had fallen asleep. After days of carefully tending for my needy, pregnant mother, he was absolutely exhausted. "HONEY!! I SAID THE BABY IS FREAKING COMING!"This time Mom yells loud enough to wake the slumbering grizzly I'm proud to call my dad. It was too late, Mom had been feeling hard kicks for about an hour, she thought they were nothing ...but they were kinda, sort of, maybe, most definitely contractions and the number one sign that HEY YOU'RE GIVING BIRTH TO THAT LITTLE HUMAN THAT'S INSIDE OF YOU!
The hunky life guard came rushing over and tried to help, but it was no use. A beautiful little baby was being born. Push after push was encouraged until finally I was set free of my mother's body and introduced into our crazy world. July fifth. That's the day when the most awesome kid fell onto a beach towel and started life as a crazy, weird, obnoxious little boy. BUT WAIT! THE BABY DIDN'T HAVE BOY PARTS! THE BABY WAS A GIRL!
"Jeff, sweetheart. The baby is a girl."Mom looked down at me in confusion. My Dad just kind of laughed. He still says to this day that God was totes punishing him for being a naughty little boy by giving him two daughters. Apparently, you have to protect girls from pervy little boys.
"Guess the name Ethan James, won't really work at this point."Yes, even after being born unexpectedly on a public beach, I still had to suffer the humiliation of not being expected in yet another way. I was supposed to be a boy.
"Oooh, we should name her Elizabeth."Mom squealed, but I was not having it. I cried and screamed in utter frustration...Elizabeth would have been a horrible name for me.
"Lily?"Dad says, but I think he was just questioning himself for even attempting at contributing. My Mom's a complete control freak, and naming one of the two bundles of joys in her life would be no exception for letting my Dad take over the reins.
"Absolutely not! Lily is waaaay too mainstream, Jeff. I want her to be unique."Mom's eyes started to water. I'd like to think it was because she was so happy, but in reality it smelt like seaweed and seagull poop at the beach, so the potent odor was most likely burning her eyes and nose.
"Gurtrude."Freaking Dad, WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING?!
"I've got it."It was like the world suddenly made complete sense for that one tiny nanosecond as my mom said my name."Ellen Gabrielle Greenes."
ALAS! I finally had a name. Meanwhile Sid was a few meters away digging old cigarette butts out of the sand and looking very confused at her new, incredibly epic, fabulous baby sister.
There was only one, tiny problem. A problem that still haunts me to this very day. Neither my Mom nor dad considered the fact that they totally cursed their new daughter with a very horrible name. Ellen Gabrielle Greenes. My initials spelled EGG. Do you comprehend how many doors that opened for bullying?! I was so lucky that I was super awesome and well liked throughout school, otherwise I would have been known as Egghead or something!
Anyways, July Fifth. The day when everything Fourth of Julyie and Americany was on sale because honestly, who was going to buy glow-in-the-dark American flag underwear after the national day of Independence? Wait, excuse me, who was going to buy them at all? My Birthday was officially one of those after big holidays, return to normal times. So I had a couple problems in my meager life after only minutes of being born:
1)I was born on the beach for Christ's sake
2) I was supposed to be a boy
3) My sister was literally perfect
4) My initials totally sucked
5) I was born on a really crappy day
To be perfectly honest, my insignificant problems didn't even matter at the time, and they still don't because I was just one big ball of awesomeness, ready to take on the world.
So here is me, asking you, to join me on my totally screwed up version of life, because I'm sure it will be extremely entertaining. I know that experiencing my misadventures was one of the most exciting, utterly horrible, embarrassing, fun, things in my lifetime... HEY THAT WOULD BE A GREAT BOOK TITLE! I CAN SEE IT NOW!:
THE MISADVENTURES OF ELLEN THE HYPERBOLE
:-D
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The Misadventures of Ellen the Hyperbole
فكاهةIf you have clicked on this story then know, you're in for an adventure. Wait, you're in for a misadventure. My life has been a series of ups and downs, wrong turns and right turns, huge mountains that I had to climb and small speed bumps I only had...
