The War In My Mind

Chapter II: What's Wrong With Me?

The past few months have been very rough on me. I miss my mom every single day. I miss her hugs, I miss her smell, I miss her voice, I miss her kisses.

My dad has decided to change positions in his job so he would be home more with us. It is now summertime. Finally. I'm happy I can sleep in as long as I want and not be in a schedule.

I begin to Google different types of mental illnesses. I am for certain that I have one, since my family has a lot of people with them. It is a high chance that I will have one too. I remember my mom being diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I never really knew all the symptoms, I just remember the ones she had. I just knew everybody considered people with Schizophrenia crazy and a nut. A bad stereotype and no wonder my mom never wanted to get the help she desperately needed.

I typed in Schizophrenia symptoms in the Google search bar and thousands upon thousands of articles came up. Some phenomenal, some horrific and some shedding an ugly light to this disorder. It blew my mind knowing I most likely have it.

The article gave me a list of positive and negative symptoms that schizophrenics can have. Positive symptoms is feelings or behaviors that are usually not present. I begin to read the list.

• Delusions
• Hallucinations
• Confused thoughts and speech
• Trouble concentrating
• Different movements

I fucking have them all. The hallucinating at all times of the day. During exams, during dinner, in the shower and in bed. Delusions tell me things that aren't true. My thinking and speech doesn't even make since half the time. I'm always jumpy and afraid what is gonna happen next. I had such a hard time concentrating in school, I don't even know how I make the honor roll. And the last thing, I move my body oddly, like ticks. I try to hide it, but it is hard to control.

I click on the negative symptoms list and I begin to read them all. One by one carefully.

• Emotionless
• Withdrawal
• Struggling with the basics of daily life
• No follow-through

My heart begins to race. Knowing I have the majority of these symptoms. My family can't know this. They can't. My dad, brothers, and family have had enough grief with my mom's untimely death.

I begin to look at Schizophrenia statistics. It says I only had a 10% chance of getting schizophrenia because my mom had it. That's still higher then the population's risk of 1%.

I looked at the chart and see what Corey's risk of developing Schizophrenia. Because Corey and I are fraternal twins, he has a 20% chance of having Schizophrenia in his lifetime. Thank God we aren't identical it would have been worse. I don't want Corey to be like me. Nobody should be like me. I don't want Corey to be a burden like I am to dad already. I pray everyday he doesn't get like me.

I know I need professional help but I'm scared. I'm scared of rejection and humiliation. You are called a freak for having this, you are called the next killer. The media looks down at us. Nobody can know what is going on with me. Nobody.