The War In My Mind

Chapter VI: Second Chance

I thought I am seeing the holy white light. However, when I open my eyes. It doesn't look like heaven to me.

I woken in a bright white hospital room, with restraints on my arms. A breathing tube down my throat, causing me the choke. My eyes wander around the room. "How the hell did I get here?" I ask myself. I first thought I was dead, but last time I checked, heaven doesn't look like a hospital room. Heaven looked so peaceful and beautiful, not a room with flower wallpaper and smelled like medicine.

"Chad is awake, Daddy! Look! Look!" Zolten says with a cheeky smile, even though he is has no idea the severity of what happened to me.

My dad went out of my room to get the nurse. The nurse and the doctor checked on me and took me off the ventilator. It felt horrible getting it out of my throat. I throat burned like a forest fire. I wanted to cry out, I wanted to escape, but I'm trapped on this bed like a lion in a cage at the zoo. My arms were strapped to the bed with restraints, the doctors fear I would try to kill myself again.

After realizing I wasn't going to hurt myself or others, the nurse took the restraints off my arms and legs. The nurse also took the catheter out, so I can walk to the bathroom and pee like a normal person. I looked at my dad and I begin to break down my barrier, a barrier seven years in the making.

"Everything is going to fine. Everything will be okay. I am so sorry I didn't realize what was happening to you. I am so sorry Chad. Don't feel ashamed about what's happening. It's okay. You are a strong warrior just like Mama. Alaina and I have picked a place for you to go to heal from all this pain from the past seven years and for you to be healthy again. Physically and mentally. You can still finish up your senior year right on time, and even go to school events. This place will help you." My dad says as he hands me a pamphlet for Sonora Behavioral Health, a mental health center that helps treat mental illnesses.

I nod in agreement after I looked through the pamphlet. Sonora Behavioral Health will be my home for a few months.

"Where did you get that necklace, Corey? I like it." I ask my brother and my dad pulls out another cross necklace to Corey.

"Chrissy's mom and dad each gave all of us some of her ashes in a necklace. Here's yours." Corey says as he hands me a cross necklace.

I hold Chrissy's ashes in my hand. Rubbing the chain through my fingers. "Chad, I am so sorry, but you can't bring Chrissy with you." My dad said with a frown.

I sigh and kiss Chrissy goodbye. I relived Chrissy's funeral in my head as I handed my necklace to Corey to hold. "I will keep her safe for you, okay?" Corey says with tears rolling down his cheeks. I nodded and he hugged me tight. I love my twin brother. He witness me try to commit suicide a while back. No brother or anybody should see somebody suicidal.

"Zolten, give Chad a hug, he's gotta leave." My dad said to my little brother, Zolten

"Isn't he coming home with us?" Zolten asks my dad in a confused tone.

"No bud. Remember he is going to a place to get better. We can visit and talk to him on the phone." My dad says and Zolten nods as he frowns.

I hug Zolten, Corey, Alaina and my dad. I'm scared for the future but I am also hopeful at the same time. I am hopeful for getting my life back on track and maybe normal. I am so grateful my dad and stepmom aren't mad, but they are on my side. They want me happy again. They want me to be myself, something I haven't been in seven years.

Kati, a worker from the Sonora Behavioral Health walked in my room. She had my bag already and she had a huge grin on her face. "Are you ready?" Kati asks me as she holds my clipboard with all my information on it. I nod, as I change into comfy clothes. I hug my brothers, dad and stepmom one more time before walking out of my hospital room.

Kati and I walked outside and into the small bus and off to Sonora Behavioral Health I go. I hope I can finally feel normal again. No more pain.