Thinking of Him

So Many Questions

We were finally in my house and I could see sweats coming down John's forehead.
He uncomfortably opened the door and let me in before his self.
"Is everything alright baby?" I asked,looking straight eat him with my eyes widened and I softly held his chest to make him feel comfortable.
"Kate I-I got you the ring for a reason actually I."
He laughed and looked down to hide how shy he was being.Bust suddenly his eye brows crossed,an anger rushed through his feelings.He looked up at me again,like he was regretting something and it scared me a lot.

"What's wrong?"
I touched his cheek slowly but he was being so cold to me,the sparks in his eyes when he was smiling were no longer there.His face was just filled with disgust.
"John!" I said somewhat loudly and he finally held my hand back which was still resting on his face.His face got closer to mine but he wasn't sure what to do at that moment.I closed my eyes and pulled his face even closer,I could feel his harsh breathes on my face and couldn't take staying like this anymore so I kissed him.So edepli and so hard but he pulled back inmediatly.

"Katy I can't do this,I-I gave you the ring to remind of me to you cause I-I love you,I do.But-"
A tear made it's way down my cheek as John started to bit his bottom lip and forvet himself to continue.
"I will move to Montana,to get better you know...for a rest after my throat injury...I don't like it here,not in the big apple or LA either.I need an off time and I-"
He looked up and down and sideways but never to my eyes while he was talking,he was anxious and worried but I just wanted to spend time with him.

I though I made it comfortable and loving for him to be here but that wasn't the case.
"You want to...to break up?"
I forced myself a lot to stay strong and not break down in front of him but I couldn't,I have already started sobbing and burried my face into my hands.
"Katy don't do this to me."
I wanted his comfort,I wanted him to hold me and make me feel better but he just stayed there and told me not to do this to him.

"I'm not doing anything,you are living me John.What is wrong with you?"
I screamed but I wasn't angry to be honest,I was sad.I just acted angry because I didn't want him to see that I was weak.

"Katy I need this don't you understand?"
He screamed even louder,I suddenly thought that he was going to hurt me...physically this time.

"I need to be alone and out of here,this wasn't going to work anyways.I should go!Katy look at me!"
He grabbed my arm and pulled it still so softly to make me look up to him.
I didn't know what he was feeling,he was still so careful towards me but then all of a sudden he was screaming harshly.He was becoming scary to me.
"Let go of my arm!John let go and just get out!Go to Montana be wherever you want to be!Get out!"
"Katy I didn't want to end things-"
"Don't lie to me John,you just told me that you knew it wasn't going to work from the beginning.And I clearly was so stupid for thinking that you were different.I loved you and you just decided that you loved it without me."
"Katy I'm just doing this for the better,it's better for me."
"I need you.I-I needed you but you can forget about that cause it's need to be better for you okay.I-I totally understand."
"I'm sorry I need to go."
"What!"
"I will go just like you told me to Katy!"
"Don't make this seem like I ended it!I don't know how to feel anymore John!"
"Just forget about all this."
He started walking through the door and I had no intention of following him back even though I loved him,I was angry now and not sad anymore.I finally wanted him to get the fuck out of my house.

That's just him,he is not ready for a permanent or at least a relationship with no drama.No wonder he's going to find many more women to be with at Montana.And inside somewhere I knew that my heart was shot with a gun and could never be fixed anymore.I needed to let go of him and all this bullshit.
I heard the door close slowly and let myself collapse to the ground.

The very next morning I woke up by the sound of a woman,holding my hand and whispering to me.
"Katy?"
I tried to open my eyes and I could feel how tense my face was probably because I have been crying myself to sleep.
When I finally endured to open my eyes I saw Bonnie in front of me which made me realize that I have planned a girls meet up today with most of my friends to catch up with each others lives.
"Bonnie what are you doing here?"
"We waited so long for you at the cafe and I thought it was the time to come check up on you,you haven't been answering your calls."
"I'm sorry,I'll get ready.You can go wait me at the cafe with the others.I'm promise I'll be there at twenty minutes."
She rolled her eyes and let out a grin as she stood up.
"Come on"she said as she helped me get out of where I had been laying all night.My back hurt a lot,my knees too.I was barely able to straighten my legs and stood up.I was still in a break down but today was supposed to be fun and I wasn't going make it a nightmare for everyone else.
"I'm not going to leave you here alone.I don't know what happened or what has been happening but I can read it from your eyes-actually from all your body and your voice-that time hasn't been fine.And I understand that Kate.We don't need to go back to the cafe."