Thinking of Him

I Guess I Want This

I was all ready for John with a little make up on my face and my black and straight hair just at the right length like his long hair.

I had a white dress on,which was so matching with the season I adored-summer-even though I haven't been able to enjoy it a lot this year.And I had put a white hair band at the side of my now short hair to keep it off of my eye.
I also had a golden coloured necklace places perfectly on me.
Not to make it seem like a big deal but I was so ready for him to come and get me.I have actually went out with Angie before this morning,since I got a happy mood on and needed to get ready for tonight.

We both had our nails done which is the most fun thing ever for me.Mines were basic for tonight but one nail on each hand had a design of flowers on them.
Not but not least I got my black Chanel bag with me just before John knocked on the door.

Angie has left after lunch so it took me a while to gather my courage to open the door.
I couldn't be late today to be back home cause I actually had something planned with my friends tomorrow morning,to just catch up with them.And tell more about John.
Despite,I haven't even get to tell my family that I was dating someone,there was no friendship after that.
He was officially taking me out for a diner.And probably the paparazzi would be there waiting too.Normally I would love to tell everyone before they saw it on the news but everything has just gotten way too far so quickly.Though I wasn't sad because of it.It actually made me happy because John has helped me move on and recover.
I just hoped that my family wouldn't see us in magazines before I explained them the whole thing.Cause they were being so catious about it since Russell.But they never actually read magazines about celebrity life and stuff so that was a plus.

I opened the door and a huge smile easily made it's way on to my face when I saw John with a bouquet of sunflowers.
He had a black shirt and a green light jacket on it.His hair was actually brushed and got more curlier through the end which could touch his shoulders.
"May I?" He asked to get in as I opened the door more for him.
"So Miss Perry,where would you like to take these?" He asked,smiling as he painted out the most beautiful looking bouquet.
"Why don't we choose some place together?"
I replied to him and held his empty hand,pulling him into the living room.

"What about over there?"
He asked,and showed the little wooden table near Kitty Purry's bed which kind of looked like a petit tent.
My guitars were placed above it,on the wall.And it was such a great place to look at.Looked so natural. Eerie when it was just me inside it but with family it got pretty great memories.
Bad ones too,as I remembered.

Flashback
"God why don't you just kill me?"
I screamed,looking up.Tears falling down my eyes.
There were strecth marks on my arm due to the vodka bottle I have just thrown to the ground which shattered into billions of peaces in the middle of my living room.
I tried to reach to the pills which layed on top of the wooden table,right under my guitars.

I wanted to end it,I had so many thoughts and vocies inside me who told me to do it.

Because I have been torn apart and it was all my fault.

I have started a tour right after my marriage,I felt like I cared a lot about him but I just couldn't show it.That's obvious.

I couldn't form a family for us,I wasn't able to do it.And clearly he was dissapointed.So dissapointed that all of a sudden he hated me.He wanted to let go of me,or more like he wanted to get rid of me.

I couldn't show love to anybody,I wasn't enough for no one.I felt like two was better than one,I felt like he was that one better half of me but now I didn't even have that.And inside somewhere,I knew that I have lost it myself.Forever.