Shattered Portrait (Jack Gilinsky)

Chapter Two

It was so hard letting go.

I watched him pack up his stuff and it was like I had put a dagger in my own heart. I caused this excruciating pain. I brought it on myself and on my children. They watched as Jack carried his stuff out of the house and into his car, eyes glossy and hearts broken. The day Jack moved out, the two of them sat on the front porch, watching their father, not fully knowing what was going on. Before Jack left the house permanently, he sat down on the porch between them and told them he would see them all the time, assured them that he still loved both of them as well as me. He kissed them both on their heads before standing up and coming in the living room to kiss my cheek and then left. Forever.

Things began changing after that. The first night, when the boys were supposed to be asleep, I heard them talking late in the night. I shouldn't have been snooping, but I couldn't help it. I sat outside of their bedroom, my back against the wall and listened to them.

"Is Daddy going to get 'nother wife and have a new family?" Luke questioned inquisitively.

"Probably. He'll probably marry Emmaline's mom." JJ answered, letting out a big sigh.

"What about Mommy?"

"I don't know, Luke."

Luke let out a yawn and I heard him adjusting in his bed, "I don't want anyone to replace Daddy."

His statement took a chip of my heart out. They didn't say anything else that night, but I had heard enough already. I went to bed that night and cried myself to sleep, wondering whether or not I had made the right choice for my kids.

The boys no longer came and slept with me in the mornings. Luke never heard his dad's keys anymore, never woke his brother up and never crossed the hallway into my room. It was hard adjusting to that. I had to buy more pillows to put in my bed to fill the empty spaces.

JJ was distant without his father around. He had always been more in favor of his dad, and without him around, he changed. He didn't talk to me anymore, he always squirmed out of my grip whenever I tried to hug him, he didn't let me help me with anything.

Luke matured more. It was like reality and sadness and collecting stress and other negative emotions from other people made him older. He thought logically now. He was no longer my baby who wanted to hold balloons in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Instead, he wanted to work hard in school, he wanted to make others happy, he wanted to speak, think, and act logically for those who could not or so that others didn't have to.

I started having dreams of what could have been. It was always the same dream, every other night. It was a dream about the family in Disneyland, watching a parade, happy as can be. One big happy family: me, Jack, JJ, Luke, Emmaline and a new addition -- a little girl named Sophia. From what I saw in the dream of her, she was the sweetest thing. She was my baby girl. She was what could have happened. She is what could never happen.

The holidays after that were hard. Shelby's Thanksgiving get together was the worst. Nobody really knew that Jack and I had split up until the before dinner drinks. The kids were upstairs playing with Shelby's children. The noise was carrying downstairs and mixed pleasantly with the background music my boss had playing. All of my coworkers, minus Rebecca and her husband who were in the delivery room waiting for their baby girl to come, were standing around in little groups. Jack and some of his coworkers that Shelby invited were there as well, conversing with bottles of beer in their hands.

Greta, Rose and I were in the kitchen at the table, speaking quietly. Shelby had hired another catering company to cater this little get together so that we did not have to cook as well as to check out the competition. Jack, Tanner and Sam were in the living room of the big house talking about whatever men talk about. I knew Tanner was glad to be accepted into the adult men group and was even handed a beer, which he still couldn't legally drink.

I twisted my wine glass around, looking at the dark contents shudder under the movements.

Greta reached across the table and took my free hand in hers, asking, "are you okay, Hailee? I haven't seen you look this glum before."

"Jack and I are no longer together." I told them before starting in on telling them the whole story and about my dreams and about how I wished I hadn't done it. The two of them had kind of assumed we weren't together anymore and felt sympathetic. They sat with me in the kitchen, speaking with me and letting me vent to them up until it was time to eat. The kids came back down from upstairs to eat with us, Luke on my right with JJ in front of him next to their father. Jack and I were sitting right across from each other, avoiding eye contact to make things less hurtful or awkward. We hadn't said two words to each other since we got there and apparently everyone noticed except for Shelby, who had started to ask us questions about our future, whether or not we were planning on having any more kids. This, sadly, had given JJ the idea that we were going to get back together. Luke, my four year old logical thinker, had to bring him back to earth when we got home.

Christmas was a disaster. I was lonely. I let Jack take the boys to his new apartment for the holidays. The boys woke up early Christmas morning and we opened presents at my house, had breakfast, and then Jack came to pick them up. He didn't even come in. I think the situation had gotten more real to him and he became angry, agitated even that he had spent so many years of his life with me only to have it all thrown down the drain. He had loved me and I threw it away. I didn't blame him for being angry.

I spent the rest of that day sitting on the couch, Luke's blanket clutched in my hands as I watched the boys' favorite Christmas movies all by myself. The Polar Express, An All Dog's Christmas Carol, Merry Christmas Charlie Brown and Babes In Toyland. They were all movies that I watched when I was younger on Christmas and I had passed the tradition onto my children. In all of the times I had watched those movies, I had never been so sad, so lost. My mom had called to wish me and the boys a Merry Christmas, which caused me to start bawling on the phone. Mom was sympathetic, but I could tell she didn't want to be on the phone with me when I was like this.

New Years wasn't as sad as Christmas. The boys and I played board games until 12 o'clock in the morning when the ball dropped in New York. After that, Luke went to sleep and JJ asked to call Jack. He didn't answer, so the boy went to sleep without saying anything to me. At 2 in the morning, I couldn't sleep, so I checked Facebook and came face to face with pictures of Jack out partying with Sam and other friends. There were girls on his arms and he was smiling his goofy smile that he always had plastered on his face when he was drunk. Oh, how I missed that face.

By February, I was adjusting to everything. I accepted that I was now single again, I accepted my boys' new identities, I accepted my dreams as if they were any other weird dreams that I happened to have, I accepted that Jack didn't want anything to do with me. I accepted everything. I was even becoming less sad. One little ray of sunshine was shining down on me through the rain clouds. Valentine's Day was no biggie, since I was at work all day long helping with tons of heart shaped cookies and cakes. Tanner had taken the day off, so there was no one to deliver all of the requested goodies. I offered, figuring I could leave the boys with Ms. Kim longer.

Everything is good now.

I'm adjusted.

I'm slightly happy.

I'll be good.

I'll live.