Deadly in Love moments

Almost-relapse

Justin: 21
Christie: 20
Drew: 2
(Christie's pov)
-1am-
Maybe I'm a little overwhelmed lately. I'm just in a phase. It's true, because that's why I've been disappointed in myself. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.
So here I am, leaning against the bathroom sink, examining myself in the mirror. Nothing's going right this week. I have multiple bills to pay, groceries to buy, and a 2 year old to care for. Plus, it's not helping when everyone seems to be annoyed by me. Justin must be stressed out, because he doesn't seem to be aware of existence. The girls are too busy with other stuff to even talk to me. My boss got mad at me because I put books in the wrong place. She told me I was a disappointment. Kayla wasn't there at the time, so it's only between me and my boss. So...the outcome is me, alone in the bathroom at 1am. It's the most dangerous thing I've done in ages. Justin always makes me leave the door open a little or he'll time me. I guess he doesn't trust me. He's smart to do that, but I'm smart enough to make time in the middle of the night. It's a terrible idea. I know I shouldn't be alone with my thoughts, because it can cause a relapse. I have a disturbing past of self harming, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, and severe depression. I'm aware of that, Justin's aware of that, my friends are aware of it. They're job is to make sure I stay ok. I can see why.
"Don't do anything stupid, Christie."
I whisper to myself, my eyes full of tears.
"You're a failure."
The words express my inner battle with myself. I feel so bad, so fucking bad. How can Justin ignore me like this? Yes, most of this is because of Justin. I know it's not exactly his fault, but it sure hurts.
"Keep it together."
I put the words on repeat and take deep breaths. Don't give in. Don't give in. I'm stronger than this. I can't think of a safer solution, crying. I sit on the floor and break down. It's the worst pain I've felt since forever. I feel so alone, so broken. In a way, I'm tempted to wake Justin up and admit it all to him. But I don't want to bother him anymore than he shows it. So I proceed to fall apart.
-8am-
Eventually, I rejoined Justin in bed after I finished crying in the bathroom. Luckily, I came out unharmed. Somehow, I barely overcame my thoughts. I'm still not ok. Crying won't solve my problems, at least not permanently.
The alarm goes off, but I'm already awake, so I get up and go back to the bathroom. A feeling of familiarity hits me, but it makes me so despondent. It was only a few hours ago that I was sitting here, crying like it's the end of the world. I sigh and start the shower. As I wash up, I trace the scars on my body, wondering if I should slit them open again. No. No, I won't do that. I've come too far to let myself break like this. It's just a phase. Things will get better. After my shower, I get ready for work and dry my hair the best I can before rushing to the kitchen. Justin should be up, which means Drew's going to be hungry. I go with the quickest meal as possible, oatmeal. After pouring the oats and milk, I put the bowl in the microwave and open the refrigerator. I'm not usually hungry in the mornings, but I eat so it doesn't worry Justin. Normally, I make myself a cup of tea and eat a piece of fruit for breakfast. However, right now I feel sick to my stomach from the war going on inside of me. I'd think I'd turn to stress eating rather than not eating at all because, well, I'm super stressed out right now.
"Mommy!"
Drew's voice sounds from behind me, full of animation. A smile spreads across my face, and I turn around to see Drew by Justin's side.
"Hi baby."
I kneel down to him and hug him tightly. It lasts for as long as he wants it to, which never feels long enough.
"Hey."
Justin hugs me and kisses my cheek, making me wish I could tell him everything.
"Hi."
The hug lasts lesser than Drew's, which still never feels long enough.
"I'm making oatmeal again."
This week, I've been so overwhelmed that I can't cook much. We've either had oatmeal or cereal all week for breakfast.
"Ugh, ok."
Justin rolls his eyes, like it makes such a big deal. If he doesn't want it, he doesn't have to eat it. The eye rolls are getting pretty hurtful, especially when he's done it all week. Can't he see I'm busy? He won't even lend me a hand.
"I've got to go. Can you bring Drew to Chaz's?"
It's the most he can do. I've got to work earlier, so I can get off earlier and pay bills.
"I've gotta go to work babe."
Justin doesn't touch his food, but he heads for his car keys.
"...Ok."
My throat closes in on me, and I feel the need to cry again.
"Thanks. I love you."
Justin kisses my forehead before walking out the door. I sigh and feel my eyes well. Don't give in. Please don't give in. But I have every reason to. There's a knife in the kitchen. It's so close. No no. I'm not doing it.
"C'mon baby, let's go."
I forget breakfast. I'm not hungry. As a matter of fact, I feel like throwing up. The stress is making me feel like shit. I lift Drew in my arms and head to my car.
-4pm-
I'm exhausted, and my head hurts. My chest is full of hurt and disappointment. Nothing's ok. I feel sick, but I need to get this work done so I can pay bills.
"Christie, you look really pale. Are you ok?"
Kayla touches my shoulder, and nod like everything's fine.
"Christie, you don't look ok. You should go home. Go rest. I'll back you up. Do you want me to call Justin?"
Kayla encourages me. The mention of Justin's name makes me shake my head.
"I'll drive home. I'll be fine. I should get some rest."
But I only say this so she doesn't call Justin. I'm mad at him, yet I'm so hurt.
"Ok. That's a good idea."
Kayla smiles friendly as I walk out of the bookstore. I feel sick. I've eaten a granola bar for lunch, but that shouldn't make me feel this way. Forget it. I need to go home and pay bills. Thankfully, Kayla's backing me up.
When I get home, I feel like crying or throwing up. It's because of stress, and it's because of me. I'm mentally injured by everyone putting me down. I'm tempted to grab a knife. Why not? I'm tired of telling myself not to give in, because I know pretty damn well that I'm going to. There's nothing to do but cry on the couch, hearing my own sobs echo through the house.
"Fuck, Christie what's going on baby?"
All of a sudden, Justin enters the house.
"Why should you care?"
I'm not sure how that came out, but I know it has to do with my anger towards him.
"Woah, Christie, what did I do? Tell me what's wrong babe."
Justin sits beside me and pulls me close, and it triggers me to confess it all.
"Everything's wrong. Justin, I'm so stressed out with paying bills, taking care of Drew, and dealing with work. And it doesn't help when you're ignoring me and acting like I'm doing something wrong. Lately, I've been feeling so bad, and everyone's making me feel like I'm nothing. Nobody even tries to help me, and it makes me feel so worthless. Justin, I'm scared. I don't want to fall back where I was. You don't know how much I've been wanting to...cut."
I spill my feelings out to Justin, hoping he can help me in some way.
"Baby, I'm so so sorry. Dammit, I should've paid more attention to you. Christie, don't think this way. You've come too far to go down this road again. Listen, I'll drop everything to help you. I'll help you pay the bills. I'll do all I can. I'm sorry for ignoring you. I didn't even know why I've been doing that, but I'm sorry. Baby, I've got you. If you need me to hide any sharp objects, I'll do it. If you feel too stressed, I'll make you feel better. I'll do anything. Trust me, I love you too much to let you fall."
Justin's close to tears as he holds me in his arms. It makes me cry with him, and we're wetting each other's shirts with our tears.
After several minutes of breaking and several minutes of recovering, I pull away from him and dry my face.
"You look so cute when you cry."
I break into a grin, making him chuckle and wipe his eyes.
"You do too."
He smiles and sniffles.
"Yea, but you don't want to ruin your bad boy reputation, remember?"
I joke around to lighten the mood. We both start cracking up and holding our stomachs from laughing.

(A/N: This is the longest I've written in forever. I should write longer posts.😁 next post is Monday)

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