Poetry For Us 'Different' People

Self Thoughts

Dying seems simple, it all just stops.     The ones you love dying, that's the hard part.                                             Because you just keep living, realizing that they aren't there anymore.

What I'm scared of is living. People say pain should motivate me, but that's not how I am.      
 Suffering takes me to a dark place that I can't seem to escape most of the time. Once I see that dark place, it never seems to go away.

It seems like I was never prepared to handle this, yet I was. I just wasn't prepared to fight this much grief.

There was a time when I was younger, I told myself to grow strong. I told myself to avoid crying, and to stay away from hurt. I wish i could keep my promise to that 5th grader Ava, but I've already screwed it up.

How am I supposed to get through this? I've done it before, but never like this. I wanted to believe everything would be okay, and I told myself that everyday for the past 2 years.                                          
But now, I can't even say the words out loud. It won't get better, will it?

Two people I loved have died this same year, two people that belonged in my heart. They're never coming back. Oh, how the heart can be deceitful.

I don't really have anything to look forward to at the moment.

I sound like a weak little duckling, and hell, I sure feel like one. I just don't know what to say anymore. I can't really describe what I'm feeling. It's getting to the point where I don't think i can feel anything.  I can't do this, can I? I want to move on, but can i really?

I'm becoming such a burden, I'm ashamed. My grades are dropping, and so is my self-love                  
In the end, I can't recall a moment where I've been actually happy these past couple of weeks. I act my happiness so much, to the point where I believe I'm happy. Then once I'm alone, I fall to my knees and slowly rot.

I've been self-pitying a lot more, and I hate to say it. You know the pain is real when it takes over your whole body. My heart aches, my brain, even my shoulders can't bare the weight of this anymore.

It's depressing to know that I'm becoming the girl I used to see crying all the time, alone.                    
 I'm not strong, not anymore at least.                                                                       I'm not prepared, I feel vulnerable, emotionally.                                            
 I still can't get over the fact she's gone. She is really gone, isn't she? I'm never going to be able to bring Silvia back. I can't play with her dolls anymore, nor can I see her smile.  

I've been too emotional to ask God for help.

I'm not going to lie, I'm angry, so, so, so, angry.                                                      This isn't like some tragic fictional book where, in the end, people end up coping.
Life is far from that, and if I can't even handle this, then what will the future be like? Just more pain, stress, and anger. But, I guess that's what I need. It's getting to the point where I'm making letters for people who I think will die next.  I need help, but how can I ask when I can't figure out my own emotions anymore? 

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