| help |

1

I step into the shower and feel the warm water rain on my skin. I looked down at my wrists and see the scars that I created. Looking at them makes me feel powerless and just digs me deeper into my depression. But yet cutting brings me joy. It takes all the pain away. The pain of losing The one person I loved, all for what stupid fucking drugs. I have nothing left to live for why don't I just end it all. But I'm too weak to I can't seem to bring myself to it.

I stand in the shower thinking about all of my problems.

I reach down for the bar soap and grasp it tightly. I lather my body until I'm all clean. But I'll never actually feel clean.

I step out of the shower and wrap myself in a warm towel. I walk into my bedroom and see the clothes that I laid out for myself.I slip them on gently. I would usually stay in my pajamas but I actually need to leave the house which kind of sucks. I usually don't leave the house unless I absolutely have to. I try and avoid all human contact. Which has  work for me for the past few years. but I'm still scared I'll run into him. The love my life. The one I cheated on because I was so high and was so obsessed with the drugs and the feeling.

I grab my apartment keys and my wallet and head out the door. I live on the far side of the dauntless  compound which makes everything hard to get to but it doesn't bother me. It really helps me avoid people. I walk down the hallway in total silence thinking about my shitty life decisions. As I get closer to the pit it starts to get louder and the sound starts distract my thoughts. As I walk through the people filled pit I keep my head down. I can't afford to be noticed. I doubt anyone will recognize me anyways. I have changed so much over my years in isolation. My eyes are bloodshot from all of the countless tears. My weight has dropped emensly and I look like a zombie. It's really attractive (not).

I walk into the grocery store with my list in hand. I'm going to try to make this as quick as possible so I can leave this hellhole. I go from aisle to aisle to looking for the Advil. As soon as I find it somebody's hand is on top of mine. I look up and see the face I've never had hope to see again. Tobias. As soon as I see his deep blue eyes it triggers something. I drop the bottle and run out of the store as fast as possible. As I run back to my apartment I cry, I cry so hard. It's unbearable to think about and it's even worse to see him. I can't forgive myself for what I did to him.

I Run faster and faster until I get to my apartment. I shut the door and lock it as fast as possible. And then I just cry ,that's the only thing I can do. I cry so hard that my shirt is soaked in tears. It brings back the memory of that day. I curl up into a bawl on the floor as the memories flood back like a vivid movie.

I just got a new stash for my dealer. I was now fully equipped with weed, crack,and worst of all heroin. Me being the druggie I was I got so high that day because I felt that I needed to disappear from the real world. I was in a haze and I thought what better way to get even higher was to get drunk. I went to the bar and A guy ordered me a vodka soda and we started to talk. Next thing I knew we were making out in my bed. Before we got into anything too serious Tobias walked in. I swear he saw red and his eyes filled with fury. He ripped me off the guy and started to punch the other guy so hard that he passed out, his face was covered in blood. Then he started yelling at me ,he kept saying "why would you do this". He eventually kicked me out of the apartment and told me he never want to see me again. I tried to call him ,I texted him, I wrote him but I never got a reply and I kind of caught on that he never really did want to see me again.

I cry hysterically and I can't stop.It feels like my world is crumbling and all I can do is cut. It will take me away and the pain will stop my thoughts. I run to the bathroom and grab a razor. I can't bear to live with  this deep agony. I Make the first cut. It is the deepest I have ever made a cut  and then I just cut and just couldn't stop . Sooner or later there's blood running down my arm and tears running down my face. I can't keep telling myself that I'm going to be fine because I know that I'm not and never will be . I'm a screwed up person who makes everybody miserable and fucks up their lives. I think of the times when he kissed me and held me close in his tight arms. He told me he loved me and that we are going to be together forever. I screwed it all up and I can't go back.

Anger fills me, I start to throw things and break them to peices. Until my living room looks like a fucking ransacked mess . And then I realize it's time for me to go. I'm going to end it and I mean it this time. I am Not scared anymore. I can't life where I am miserable and not wanted. I need to let go and free my miserable soul. It is right and I know it is. That is why I have to do it. I go to the medicine cabinet in my bathroom and grab as many pill bottles as possible. I'm crying so loudly and so desperately but I don't care who hears. I go to the kitchen and grab a glass of water to take the pills down with .
My body racks with sobs and shaking so furiously as i put the pills in my hands .
"goodbye world you fucking sucked"
1.2.3

I swallow about 10 pills.

Before I pass out I see the door swing open, and a figure run towards me, but it's too late.

Hi guys what did you think of the first chapter please leave comments of what you thought and I hope you enjoyed.