shattered memories ; Lucaya {✔️}

Confessions Of A Dead Girl (18)

(Penelopes pov)

"Would you really listen to the confessions of a dead girl?" I ask, hoping he'd say no.

"I'm all ears." He said.

Well fuck.

There's no going back now.

"Well it all started in march 4 years ago. I guess I got home with suicide on my mind." I begin but Lucas interrupts me.

"After we were on the swings." He said. I nervously look around.

"Uh, yeah sure." I say. I didn't remember.

"Anyway, I swallowed a bunch of pills. Anti- depressants, pain killers, sleeping pills. Then I slashed up my wrists. I guess I thought that would do the trick." I run my fingers over my scars.

Lucas grabs my wrist. There was 2 huge scars where gashes used to be. They were fading, slowly. There were smaller scars too. But I don't remember. I let's go of my arm and puts his face in his hands. I normally hate when people look at my scars but for some reason, it didn't bother me. I looked back to him. His face was still buried in his hands. He blamed himself. I sigh and rub his back. That Always calmed me down.

"It's not your fault. You couldn't have stopped me." I say, soothingly. He shoots up.

His face was red and his eyes were puffy.

"Yes I could've! I could've reassured you more! I could've helped with you and Riley. I could've gone home with you that day. I Could've told you I loved you so you wouldnt feel so fucking Alone! But I didn't do shit. And then you went as far as ending your own life- or at least trying. It's all my fault! I couldn't save you! No, I didn't save you." He was talking to himself more than me.

At this point I was in tears. I hugged him and after a second he hugs back.

(Lucas pov)

We stood there hugging for what seemed like forever and just one second.

It was my fault. It was my fault she cut. It was my fault she hates herself. I want my happy blonde beauty back. I want her back. Maybe she was back. Maybe Penelope would realize she should be Maya.

"I'm sorry. Keep going." I say and we sit back down.

"The pills and cuts kinda did work. Someone sent an ambulance to my house. I was already out when they found me- I think. I don't really remember. There was so much in my system. Anyway, I went comatose for a little while. Then I woke up in a hospital a few days later. My mom was there. She wanted us to leave so we went cross- country to California. I made up a little life story. Born and raised in Arizona, dad died in military, Typical boring life. But I wanted to go to NYU so here we are." She finishes.

I take a moment to absorb all of that.

"Why did you move? Why didn't you stay. " I ask. She looks down.

"Wasn't my choice." She says, lightly.

"But would you have chosen to stay? With me, Farkle and Zay?" I ask.

There was silence.

"You would've stayed, wouldn't you?" I ask.

Nothing.

"Penelope. You would've left?" I ask.

"It- it isn't as simple as that." She said. There was a beg for sympathy in her voice. But I had run out long ago. I was beyond angry.

"YES IT IS!" I yell standing up. "It is that fucking simple! You would've fucking left the people who loved you for what, Maya? For shit!"

"OH YEAH?! If I was so goddamn loved why'd I want to die?!"

I was clenching my fists, trying to calm down. It wasn't working. My pulse was racing so fast I couldn't feel it. I turn around and begin to walk out.

I feel some thing grab my arm. In reflex I hit it away. I turn around to see Maya- Penelope* looking at me wide eyed while cradling her arm. Did I just- hit her? Wow, you've really done it this time Lucas. I walk out without looking back.

This wasn't right. Something was wrong. Or missing. If Maya or Penelope or whatever her name is, is half the person I thought she was, she wouldn't do this. What wasn't she telling me? It had to be something. This whole twisted fucked up thing is like a puzzle. But where can I find the missing parts? What secret was she keeping.

She was being shady. Overall shady. She said she'd leave if it was her choice. I remember she once told me she wouldn't trade our friendship for anything. Sure after that a lot happened but still. And why didn't she tell me who she was from the beginning?! What was wrong with her! What was missing! She's acting like she doesn't remember us! This isn't right. I need answers and I need them now.

I get up and walk across the hall. I knock on her door and she opens it.

"You're keeping something from me. I don't know what or why but I intend to find out. So tell me." I demand. She sighs.

"I was afraid you'd say that."