The Diary Of The Girl With ADHD

Fangirling and Cutting Pt. 2

January 19, 2016

Hey there Song bird,

It's me KK again so I saw Jacob-senpai like four times today which was good and today while I was waiting to go in to the lunch room I saw Jacob-senpai walk up and wait there until he had a path to get to his next class cause he just got out of lunch and I started fangirling and I was all jumpy, happy, and shaking my friend like crazy and he looked at me as if I was crazy, he didn't say anything to me though sadly, he was watching me fangirling about how he was right there but I wish I didn't do that though and when I was walking to third period I saw Jacob-senpai and asked,"Hey want to go cut with me later?" But I had to get to class so he didn't answer and I saw Espree and I showed her the scratches on my arm and there was this particular scratch that looked like it has been cut but I had mistakenly scratched one of my already scratches that was already there and it hurt to touch it and I didn't mean to get my arm scratched by something that I had ran in to by mistake or the way to second period, and in third period the guidance consular wanted to see me cause a student told her about how I might be cutting so I explained to her what happened last week and what Cameron had asked about the scissor holes in my wall and what would happen if the scissors rebound and hit my arm and I start bleeding and I had said,"I won't mind bleeding out." It wasn't tell he gone to tell Conner what I had just said that I realized what I had said. The guidance counselor asked to see my arms and I showed her and she also asked if I told my mom and I have, I told her about my depression and How I try to stop so it won't get worse and she asked if I get therapy and I told her I tell my mom. I seriously feel alone with my battle against my depression, I never thought it would get this far where I was sad and started to do this to myself. I wear jackets so people think I freeze easy which is true and also so they don't see my arm. I just wanted someone to see that I'm not happy and I have no clue who told the guidance counselor about what they thought I did to my arms. I don't feel like anyone cares I just want someone to see that I'm hurting badly on the inside and what happened with Kori she told me that I horred her and she told me to go to F-ing hell which hurt me which caused me to do this to myself. I've done it a few times in the past and after Kori told me that I did it for two days but now since that boy called my blue hair color "weird" it drove me to do it and I don't know if I could stop this time. I want help, I want someone to save me, I want to be loved by someone who loves me for me. Even if I don't find someone who loves me for me I'm independent by myself. I just wish one person would see I'm not "ok" or whatever you call it. And Jacob-Senpai still hasn't answered and Espree said she was gonna have a sleepover at her place and she said I could come, I told her that I might not stay the night. I just wish that one person would see that I'm hurting, that I am NOT happy anymore, I'm not the one to always smiles, and I just want someone who knows me and look me in the eyes, hug me, and say,"KK I know your NOT ok, your hurting on the inside, I'm here for you and I want to help you so please tell me what's wrong...please." And I would. Why can't people see I'm hurting through my eyes cause you can see the pain, hurt, sadness, depression, anger, feeling of not being wanted, and wanting to crying. I want just one person to see that. Jacob-senpai is my friend and he probably thinks I'm weird but whatever. I saw him looking at me when I was waiting to go in to the lunch room. So yea that was interesting. And it is not weird that I'm into Jacob-senpai whatsoever.

See ya tomorrow songbird,
-KK 🎶🏹🎶