Dear Diary (Niam Horayne)

Chapter 10: Bad Things Return

~Niall’s P.O.V~

“Wey hey Diary

Ever since the kiss between me and Liam, I can’t seem to get Liam out of my mind, I’m still thinking about the kiss, and I even caught myself touching my lips a couple of times –would it be weird to say that I can still feel his lips on mine? Properly.-

I’m kinda split between being a bit scared of the thought of Liam kissing me –at least now I know that I was right about him having a crush on me- or if I just should accept the fact that I was falling for him.

I know I’m gay, I’ve known for a long time now, but still I can’t help it… I know what all the sings mean: still thinking about the kiss, catching myself touching my lips and slightly beginning to daydream about him. I am defiantly starting to fall for Liam, but there’s just something inside of my head that keeps telling me it’s wrong.

I think it’s because we –like I’ve said before- don’t really know each other –at least I don’t know so much about him- and the fact that he knows more about me than he should, kinda scares me too you know?

The kiss was last week, and ever since then it’s like Liam have been trying to avoid me, even though he can’t really avoid me in the classes we have together -because no one wants to sit beside me (bc gay you know) and everyone is scared of Liam ever since the scene last week also- but he does his best to ignore me.

I think it’s because he’s ashamed of the kiss or something, and I feel sad about that, I mean, it was one of the best kisses I have had, it wasn’t like my old boyfriend back in Mullingar, his kisses were always so rough and they would always turn into a snog…

Thinking of Harry makes my heart hurt, I loved him with all my heart but he used me, beat me, and was just horrible towards me, I couldn’t see it until I saw him cheating on me whit Emily,  the most popular girl in our school at that time.

He told me I was nothing but a disgusting fag, he told me that I was a walking sin, and that when I died I would go straight to hell.

I did think of suicide, but my pain was bigger than that, I knew I didn’t deserve something so scary and yet peace- and beautiful, so I did something I knew was stupid, but I don’t regret it though!

Every time I felt depressed –which I did a lot at that time- I would find the matches in our kitchen and… well you can guess the rest.

It was my own way to feel better about myself, and the good thing about burning yourself with matches instead of cutting, is that the burn marks disappear faster and leaves small unnoticeable scars* (if you do it right that is)

I still have some scars on the inside of my wrist, but if you don’t know what they are, you’d think they’re moles.

This properly doesn’t make any sense, I mean. Why on earth would you think of committing suicide, just because of a broken heart? But if you really want to know then you have to read one of the other diaries.

But back to Liam… I don’t know what to do about the whole ‘avoid’- thing… I really want to tell him that I liked the kiss, but I don’t want him to think I want to be more than friends –at least not yet-  and that’s the hard part of it, if I don’t do this right I might lose him completely… wow I really sound like on with a crush don’t I? xD

I’ve confused myself a little, so I think I’ll go to sleep now :)

~Niall Horan 24th September 2009”

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I know I didn't get the votes and the comments, but I just wanted to update, believe me next chapter you're gonna love me (kins of) 

* And just a small note: the part with burn marks. It’s NOT something I’ve made up… sadly I speak from experience, if you do it right the marks won’t be as visible as cuts (again I speak from experience) don’t kill me too much okay? *puppy eyes*

And before you fan girl over this Harry aka Niall’s ex, then I have to say: it’s NOT Harry Styles, sorry for the disappointment :/

8 votes and 5 comments for the next chapter! Xx