My Brother Says I'm Dangerous

(20)

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I massage my thighs, hating horses. If I could help it I wouldn't go on one ever again. After we cleared out the corral, we rode around the ranch, clearing things up. Rusty engine parts, broken gates. Jackson finally got the wood and fixed the gate. Apparently considering half the town would be on this ranch in a week, everyone wants it to look its best.

"Here." Isaac snickers, handing me an icepack. "Looks like you need it." I gratefully take it and place it between my legs, knowing I look like a damn fool.

"How do you guys just ride so easily?" I ask, grumbling.

"We're used to it." Hunter shrugs. "We never went through that beginners phase, we just grew up riding."

"Is there anything to eat?" Jackson asks, looking through the fridge. "Ohh. Pudding." He takes off the lid, eating it straight out of the Tupperware.

"Give me some." Charlie protests. 

"I've made chilli, it's on the stove." Emily walks in, wearing a nice red cocktail dress.

"Thanks." Hunter says. "What's with the dress up?"

"Your father, the forever romantic surprised me with a trip to the next town over, for dinner at that nice Italian place." She says, stirring the chilli. "I've organised sleepovers for the younger ones, so it's just you guys tonight. Make sure to feed all the animals, and don't wait up. We won't be back until late."

"Have fun." Charlie smiles. "I think me and Maddy are just going to have a night in, she's been working some pretty tough hours." Emily frowns, washing her hands.

"Gregory Dennings can go jump." She growls. "The night I saw my daughter in law come home in a skimpy pink dress and blonde wig is the day I gave up on Gregory having a heart."

"At least she didn't have to wear the roller-skates." Charlie sighs.

"Well, he does have brains." Emily sighs. "He knew that would be a controversial line to cross."

"I think I fixed that tractor." Nicks says, walking into the kitchen. "But it needs a new tire. A good one."

"I'm travelling into the city this week." Charlie says. "Maddison has a doctors appointment and we need some stuff. We can get it there."

"I should come with you." Nick muses. "The tire is pretty hard to recognise, and I need a lot more supplies that the mechanics here don't have here."

"Ok." Charlie nods. "We're leaving tomorrow morning, coming back Thursday. Staying with friends." Nick nods, and heads up the stairs. I watch on frantically, before getting up and following him up the stairs and into his room.

"You're leaving?" I ask him. He turns around, and frowns.

"Only for a few days." He shrugs. "It's my job Eva."

"You don't have to leave." I say quickly. "Why is it so important?"

"You'll be fine." He says. "Everyone here has been taking care of you, it's not like I'll make a difference being gone."

"That's the way you want it, isn't it?" I frown.

"What are you talking about?" He asks, turning to properly face me.

"Ever since we got here we've barely talked." I blurt. "You basically took me here to be babysat, so you could go off and do your own thing. You've left me alone with strangers not even bothering to ask if I'm ok."

He stares at me, not saying anything, pacing the room.

"Can you really blame me?" He finally says.

"What?" I whisper. My heart drops, sick to the stomach.

"I guess.." He tries. "I've been enjoying not having to be the adult, being a kid again. When Mum and Dad died I had to step up, for you. Now that I'm here I haven't had to be the one in charge. It took the pressure off. I could go back to being your brother."

"That doesn't mean you should stop talking to me." I protest. "You left me alone with people I didn't even know!"

"And you've been fine!" He shouts. "You ignored me in Ohio, what's the difference?"

"You think I've been fine?" I ask, incredulously. "I don't know these people, for two weeks, I've been uncomfortable and alone, stuck with people nothing like us. All I've been wanting to do is go back to Ohio! While you were off.. being a 'kid' again."

"We're not going back." He says simply.

"This is not going to work Nick." I say, wiping the hair out of my face. "This plan of yours, to bring me here, to meet 'good people', to 'fix' me."

"I can damn well try." He persists.

"Don't get me wrong!" I shout exasperated. "These are nice people I guess, the town is... weird, but fine."

"So what's the problem?" He asks. "Why are you so desperate to go back to Ohio? Why won't you give this a shot?"

"Because it's not going to work!" I repeat, swelling the lump in my throat. "I'm not worth it Nick! Stop trying because it's a waste of time. I don't want to push you away, or shut you out. But I'm fine the way I am, it's not worth the effort. Just let it go."

His jaw hardens, and he refuses to look at me. He grabs my arm, and firmly pushes me out of his room.

"I'm leaving early tomorrow morning." He says, looking at his doorframe. "I'll see you Thursday."

And he slams the door in my face. 

I blink, stunned. 

"You ok?" I spin, to see Hunter standing at the top of the stairs, looking at me confused.

"Yeah." I breathe, shaking myself out of it. "I'll be in my room."

I hurry into my bedroom, shutting the door behind me, leaning against it, trying to control my breathing. Just breath Eva. You've done this before. Just breath.

I need to smoke. I try to find the pack, desperately lifting up the pillows. I find it, and widen my eyes to see only one left now. 

I hastily light it, breathing in the smoke like something I've been craving for a long time. I feel my muscles relax, my heartbeat slowing down again, as I slide down leaning against the bottom of my bed.

In the haze of smoke, I look up, and frown. The same old stinking guitar case, leaning against the wall in front of me.

Someone must have moved it back up here.

That stupid guitar.

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They call me their little bird. I think it's because I'm quite small.

Today they haven't come to see me at all. I almost miss them. They tell me that I will be alright and that is what keeps me going. 

I'm wearing a clean dress but I don't remember putting it on.

I don't know what they do but I feel calm when they visit. I float. I feel light.

Now I feel heavy and I need them to see me. It's a drug that I welcome.

I will be calm. I will be collected. I will be alright.

As long as they come back. I need them to make me feel light again.