New York Girl (formerly known as Maple Street)

Chapter Fourteen

Ethan.

 'Well done Ethan! You're a real champ!' I can recall those words from my dad whenever I played in the annual tennis tournament – something I enjoyed immensely as a young kid.

I was good at most things as a child and that didn't leave me when I reached adulthood.

 I was lucky enough to know some great people within my social circle, most of them I had met at University. Some had gone on to set up their own businesses and some had even turned to the art world.

I liked to think I could turn my hand to most things but deep down I yearned for the applause.

I thrived on stage and despite my visible confidence - I always felt I was never good enough. Just one more medal; or another pat on the back – I would tell myself, I was insatiable.

It's tough for a guy to admit his inner demons and I had managed to cover mine up with a host of bad jokes, I just wanted to be good at everything.

I had managed to convince everyone that I was a showman and a commercial genius. But they were all wrong.

 I would compensate by being overly competitive but I could never really complain I had it all – the restless side of me lapped up the attention most of the time – but it was the moments of insecurity and self – doubt that were hard to deal with.

Opportunities would fall onto my lap and I would grab them with both hands and make the best out of them.

Some guys cover up insecurities by being mean or dominant, for me; I just had to win.

I would sometimes lose myself in sport such as swimming and cycling. Although this kept me in good shape, I was never that comfortable in my own skin. But instead of cowering away in a corner somewhere, I would parade myself around by dancing through hoops or hanging upside down from a pole. People would laugh and say. 'It's just Ethan, being Ethan.' - They hadn’t a clue of the torment I felt deep down.

When I was offered the role of Managing Director at Trask I was never happier. I didn't really see myself working in the corporate world, but I must admit, the financial security that came with it was much more grounded than treading the boards on some stage somewhere hoping for a big enough pay check to last until the next show comes along.  As much as I relished the clapping and Mexican, waves I also needed to survive and that was reality.

I met Cathy at a networking conference. She was bright, funny, sharp and a delight to be around; her vivacious personality sucked me in right away.

We spent most nights at the local theatre or dining out at our favourite Thai place. She could talk for hours about her Job (She owned her own Publishing Company) and how stressful it was at times. I could identify with her as I had the same kind of thoughts and feelings about Trask.

The economic climate was looking grim and we would converse back and forth over who was to blame, we would usually end the night by agreeing to disagree and even crack open a fortune cookie to decide our fates.

And then things changed.

 Lucy.

I had only known of her from a distance. 

Sometimes I’d catch her staring out of the window and at first it was the silly things I would notice, like the way she would tuck her hair behind her ears, and draw her hands up to her face.

I would find myself drifting off into a trance, not realizing I was even looking in her direction. There were many times she would look up and catch me and I’d just freeze.

It started off as a physical attraction, she would glide through the office and her long graceful legs would carry her as she walked, unaware of how beautiful she was. I was out of her league. And I knew that. But there were times when my ego would take over and a small tinge of narcissism would take over and I would tell myself that she would be lucky to have me.

I’d mirror her words and actions and then secretly scorn myself, loathing my attraction to her and myself for feeling it in the first place, like that time she disappeared from her desk and I went over to talk to the rest of her team – I decided to lean on her chair, spinning it round as I spoke to them, another cry for attention I guess. She eventually came back but I didn’t move – I just carried on fiddling with it, not allowing her to sit down – after a few minutes there was an awkward ‘sorry’ and I finally gave in but not before she let out a gentle laugh and of course I followed suit.

Things had unravelled too quickly between us and all without a shared word or syllable.

I had to take drastic action. I had to show her that what we had meant nothing, a passing attraction or better still; all in her mind.

I didn't want to hurt Cathy and the consequences of a Managing Director dating his employee were too risky.

I was stronger than this.

So I thought up a plan. But I miscalculated one thing.

Her reaction.