JOYRIDING

/three/

Jamia is the only one who can bring me down from a high like this.
She calls me around 3am, when she knows I will be winding down, and tells me I'm going to rehab if I don't get myself together.
I'm worried, but I force myself to hide that.
"Sure, okay," I mutter before hanging up.
I am worried. I don't want to get better. I'll act normal sometimes, but I love being high. I don't want routine; a job, a house, a relationship. I don't want to be trapped in some shit that I will no doubt hate and eventually have to leave. It's easier to avoid reality and only hurt people who never really mattered to me. Fuck being domestic and having a put together life. I'll pass. Thanks.

Coffee. Like a normal person. Never mind that I dump a small flask of brandy in my cup.
I look more normal than I have in months.
Well, okay... Maybe I don't. I still look like a druggie – myself.
But I'm acting normal. I guess. It's sort of nice.
That pull is weak though, as always. I let it tug on my mind; it isn't a threat to my lifestyle.
My mind wanders.

When I was eleven, I got the news that fucked me over. A little young to handle crippling information, but that didn't matter.
My dad had killed himself. Hung himself in the closet in the master bedroom. My mom cried for three months. Then she went silent. I mostly took care of myself until I was fourteen. Two years without a mom.
I was already fucked. That was when she started drinking and hitting me and screaming all the time and hoeing around. By the time I was 17 that had calmed down a bit but by then I was a dark pit of self loathing and misanthropy and distrust.
I started drinking, lightly, then heavily. Cocaine found its way into my possession and into my body.
I turned 18 and smoked a pack a day. I got high and fucked mystery people and shoplifted when I was bored. I was just starting to enjoy myself when Jamia came around and insisted I stop. I did for about 16 hours.
Pete told her to fuck off and I tried to get out of her life but she tricked me into rehab. I stayed for a month.
Then I turned 19 and Pete gave me heroine for the first time.
I was hooked.