The Pieces He Needs

Chapter ten ↠

"I need to know exactly how you feel about yourself." Ben says, relaxing into his chair and awaiting my answer.

I can't help but feel slightly confused by his question. Pointless, stupid, insignificant, unimportant. They were all possible answers.

"What do you mean by that?" I question.

I'm trying to focus on what he's saying, but my arm hurts so much I feel I'm going to faint. And to top it off, I was getting a more than serious migraine since I got barely a wink of sleep last night. I felt like it's prisoner, helpless in my cage of pain. I pray that the nausea won't over whelm me and cause me to vomit. I guess time will tell.

"You said people told you that you needed to be fixed. In fact you told me that people said you were worthless?"

I just nod my head in response.

"Well tell me, do you think you're worthless?"

That question was easy to answer, yes. But telling him that seemed scary. What if he judged me, what if he thought less of me? 

"I guess so?"

"You guess so?" He questions.

His eyes showed the kind of gentle concern Sam used to have. It felt as if I were wrapped in a blanket of his caring. How could I not tell him the truth now, when his beautiful eyes were staring into my soul.

"Yes. Every night when I would go to bed, my father would tell me, "Your worthless, useless, pathetic and stupid. I can't wait for the day when you actually do something good for a change." 

I had never told anybody that, and hearing the words come out of my mouth was a shock. I hold my breath and wait in anticipation for Ben's reply, but he doesn't, and I know I must continue.

"All my life i've grown up terrified of disappointing. Every day of my childhood I would spend trying to make my dad proud, and every day I would fail. I hate feeling guilty. It feels like something is trying to eat me alive from the inside, or as though there's a huge heavy bag of rocks around my neck, it's all consuming and burdensome. I was taught that If I disappointed him I would get punished; and so it's been a constant battle of trying to do everything right. But I've learned that's impossible."

I watched as his face crumpled up in thought, his whole face changing into one of seriousness. I can't help but wonder what he's thinking.

"Do you want me to fix you by making you see it's ok to fail?" He questions, a genuine look of confusion resting upon his beautiful face.

"No, I want you to fix me by stopping me from failing." I say bluntly, trying to act confidently. 

He stays silent for a minute, making my blood as cold as the winter air that crept through an open window. The silence hung in the air like the suspended moment before a falling glass shatters on the ground. That is until he finally says the most un-expected thing, 

"Maybe we should go get some coffee?" 

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OOOOH did Ben just ask Amanda out on a date? Maybe someone should remind him that she had a boyfriend haha :) Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! I had a lo of fun writing it so yeah.

Anyways remember to vote and comment and give any constructive criticism that comes to mind x

Love heaps

Gracie x