Forbidden Extras

To My Son, Love Mom

Jasper received this note after his mother's funeral, but does not open it until the night he goes to Lake Ella.
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Jazz, my son,

I don't know how to begin this letter. I have written it and erased it more than a dozen times. It seems your gift with words comes from your father and not me, because I cannot even find the right ones to form a sentence. But I digress.

I am writing this to you in fear that my days are numbered. Even more so are the hours. The doctors told me yesterday that they believe I can pull through, but I know my body more than some man with a medical degree. When you get this, Jazz, I will be gone. Hopefully you will read it the day your father gives it to you, but knowing you, you will put it off. I know you will do this, because you are so much like me, darling.

However, the things I am about to tell you I want you to take with you forever, even if this letter does not.

You see, I've always known that I was meant to be a mother. Even when I was a little girl there was no better job in the world than to be a mother. So when the day arrived and I was given two beautiful children, I made a vow to always protect them no matter what. I had hoped that no days would come where I'd have to do this, but they did.

For Jade it was when I got called into a meeting my the lead mothers of her Girl Scouts troop. They informed me that she was not getting along well with others, nor was she selling enough cookies. I knew that if Jade were to find out about these things she would be crushed (I still haven't told her so don't get any ideas) so I put matters into my own hands. As a protective mother, I kindly reminded them that Girl Scouts is not around to teach girls how to sell things, but to be leaders. And as for Jade's behavior, she is not the type to let something go when she sees someone eating glue straight from a bottle. Of course later we left the horrid organization, but at least I can say that I stood up for my child in the end.

A few years later I was faced with another situation when our awful neighbor moved in. I'm not sure if you remember her name, or if you remember her at all. She came around when you were only seven so I don't doubt that you'd forget her. But one evening she came banging on our door demanding that she speak with me and your father. When I got her to calm down she threatened to press charges on us because she claims that you, my son, was vandalizing her property by swimming in her pool when she wasn't around. It took everything I had not to blatantly laugh in her face at such accusations and even your father walked off shaking his head. Again, as a protective mother I kindly told her to stop pointing fingers at us when I saw her eldest son invite others to her pool the previous day while she was at work. I also told her there was no way you could have done such a thing because you don't even know how to swim.

It was an eye opener for me that day to realize the world shows no mercy and feeds on those smaller than it. It is truly unfortunate that such horrid people and circumstances exist, but I was proud to be there and defend you both.

So why am I telling you this? For multiple reasons really.

From these stories I want you to understand that as you get older, you realize the plans you had when you were younger may not turn out that way. I planned on hiding you from the harsh world, but it sought both you and your sister out against my protests. I also know that in your mind I will be around until the end of time like you wanted. However, things don't always work out like that, Jazz. So that brings me to my next reason.

I want you to understand that you must keep going even after those plans fail. The stories I told you earlier are not the only ones of me protecting you both, and they certainly won't be the last. But because I love you both so much, I never gave up, even after dealing with those idiots. I vowed to continue on until my last breath and hopefully even afterwards.

Jazz, this is important to know because when you find something or someone you love, you must never give up on it. If things don't work out, don't let it tear you down. Be strong. But I already know that you are. It was evident even when you took your first breath.

When you were born you came out with a chord wrapped around your neck, cutting off your air supply. The doctors and nurses frantically worked to bring you safely in this world and one chord could have ended it all. But what they didn't realize is that you are a fighter. Against the odds, my son fought to stay alive because he is so strong. You are so strong. Even after I'm gone, I have faith that you will continue to have this strength.

I am being called by the doctors but want to talk to you about one more thing before I go. I had a dream about it the other night and can't shake the feeling that I haven't told you something. I dreamt of the day you came home from school on Valentine's Day. I believe you were in second grade. You walked in looking glum with a smashed up valentines box you made for school. When I asked what was wrong you told me a story I'd never forget.

"You lied to me," you said. "You told me that when you love someone, you give them something you like. That way it's like giving a part of yourself to them. But when I gave Polly my John Donne book, she laughed and threw it at me."

I don't know exactly what I told you that day, and maybe it was something sugar coated because you were so young, but I think you are old enough to understand this now.

I didn't lie that day when I told you to give a part of yourself to someone you love. If they love you back, they will accept it. Maybe they will even love the same things, just as your father and I both love John Wayne movies.

But I never lied.

When you find someone you truly love, Jazz, share your world with them. Don't let them witness it from the outside, include them to everything even if it is messy. If they decide they love it and stay, those are the ones you keep. But don't be selfish, be a part of their world, too. In time they will turn into your world, so don't forget to take care of them.

It pains me to know that I won't be around physically to see you find the one who you share your world with. I know that they will be very special though, and lucky to have a man like you. I have faith that you will do the right thing, even when I'm not around to protect you.

Now I really must go, but here are a few things I hope you remember:

Never forget to open doors for the ones you love.
Always offer to make dinner for them (that is the ultimate gift).
Fight for them as hard as you fought to enter this world.
Protect them like I protected you and your sister.
And always tell them you love them, even when the odds are against you.
Protect your sister.
Forgive your father (you will understand what I mean one day).

Remember this my son. Remember your value and strength even long after I am gone.

I love you, Jazz.

Invariably.

P.S. I read your book. Thank you for the lovely dedication. I always find strength in your words.

"When I am dead, my dearest, Sing no sad songs for me; Plant thou no roses at my head, Nor shady cypress tree: Be the green grass above me With showers and dewdrops wet; And if thou wilt, remember, And if thou wilt, forget. "

-- Christina Rossetti