Beautifully Dark Words

With Just a Pencil, He Writes

March 4th, 1996

Dear Eric:

Congratz on graduating college. It must be nice being around all those happy people, unscathed by tragedy.
While, I'm here, exploding bombs tend to be my only source of music, in this God-forsaken battle field.

I'd like to get the gang back together, if I had the chance. The army has been getting too much.
I've fought my way to the top, suffered a lot at the hands of male superiors. Not an inch of my body left un-violated, and untouched.

I write this, not because I want you to feel bad, you're the only left to tell.
I mean, now that I think about it, we've both have gone and made a 'come back' from our own inner hells.

We had it tough growing up huh? I remember us shivering wearing barely any clothes in cold, while looking for food in the garbage.
I've worked hard to change... so hard, that I've bled tears. I hope that you see that the army has changed the savage.

Eric, today I was selected, among others, to ambush the enemy quarters. I'm being sent on such a dangerous mission.
I just thought you might wanna know, if my absence rises any attention.

I won't return. I can feel my gut twisting it knots. I feel like vomiting. I just really need to clear my mind.
I've been reminiscing, its gets even more depressing as I continue writing, each and every line. 

I realized that I pushed you away. I understand that reading this might upset you a bit. 

I did it to benefit you, still knowing that fact, makes me feel like shit.

But you should know that I did it for a very good reason. 

I wanted much more for you. Hurting  you a means to provide you freedom.

I'm here packing, and I write, wondering if I should continue telling you what I've got to tell. I just hate chickening-out.
I pushed you away .... so very far away,
I wanted to hide it, I didn't want to be hated, if and when you found out.

With just a pencil to write, I'll scribble the words that I've never had the courage to say. 

I love you,.... I love you.... I really do love you,
I won't lie and say everything will be okay.

Because after I send this letter to you, it'll be my last.
I don't wanna be just a memory of your past.
With just a pencil I write the one thing I regret the most.
I love you... having you hate me, will be my curse.

But it's okay, You know me all too well.
So many other soldiers have perished and failed.
I don't regret my up-coming death, I'll fight till the very end.
cause I'll be sparing in your name. 

With hopes to meet you again.

John