Off the Record

Ⅵ

I click through the channels on the television while I prop myself up on the L-shaped couch in the living room as I decide what to spend my day bingeing on. I see that Supernatural is having a marathon, so I quickly click the episode that is on. 

As soon as the show pops up on the screen, the doorbell rings loudly, echoing throughout the entire household. I push pause on the remote and boost myself regretfully off of the couch, leaving the warmth of the many blankets that were protecting me from the chilly air. 

Crossing my arms over my chest, I walk towards the front door with lazy effort. I reach down, turn the knob and look up at the person standing in front of me.

A teary eyed girl with running mascara etched on her cheeks stood in front of me in a cheetah print onesie and a teal cross body bag slung across her shoulder. I stare at the girl with sepia hued hair along with bangs cut straight across her forehead; her cheek bones had been hollowed from the loss of weight. Her baby blues are full of tears that dance in her eyes.

"Bryn?" I whisper so quietly that I barely hear a sound leave my lips. I blink a few times to see if I was seeing things that weren't actually there. Wouldn't be the first time I'd been called crazy.

My body stands motionless in shock while I stare at the short girl in front of me with complete confusion scratched all over my face.

This would be the time that a comic bubble with the word 'CRASH' would pop up next to my head as my thoughts become a wreck.

"What are you doing here?" I ruffle my nose.

Bryn gulps nervously while she looks in my general direction. "I didn't know who else to go to." She takes her sleeve and attempts to wipe under her eyes.

I force myself into a hug and grab her forehead, pulling her into my arms. 

Bryn was my best friend five years ago, until something came between us. Me.

I had been so angry with myself after the accident and in such a rage, that I discarded everyone who cared for me.

She was the first person I let go before the other foot could drop; the only positive thing in my life and I had pushed her away.

Why was she back here? I told her I never wanted to see her again. However, now that I have, I don't ever want to let go.

Her body trembles as her cries come in waves. Suddenly a picture of my break down last night flashes before me. I squeeze her tighter, trying to wring her dry from the tears like a sponge.

"Come inside." I usher her into the house, towards the couch covered in fluffy blankets. I help her sit down and she takes off her bag, tossing it onto the carpet. She quickly straightens herself up out of embarrassment.

She clears her throat and sadly smiles at me. "I tried to stay angry with you. But yesterday--" Her voice cracks but she quickly clears her throat, "Yesterday I found out about Evan. He's gone... He's really gone." Puddles begin to shed from her tear ducts.

Evan was her middle school and high school sweetheart. From what I've seen on Facebook, once senior year rolled around, he popped the question. He enlisted into the Army; I never knew if he had dropped out of school or graduated ahead of our class.

"What do you mean by gone?"

"He was supposed to come home at the end of the Summer. We were going to have an August wedding." She smiles innocently, "I promise I was going to send you an invite."

"That doesn't matter right now, B. We haven't talked in years for god sakes." I snap at her, something I quickly regret, "I'm sorry. I'm just really confused." And glad.

"I just really miss you. You needed time away from everything." She smirks behind the sadness, "Your time is up babes, because this time, I need you." Her sass falls away and the little girl I first met thirteen years ago was no where near to be found. Her strawberry blonde hair in a messy ponytail, accompanied by a pure and happy soul, both completely gone.

The look on her face makes me want to go back in time, where I can keep my eyes on her and protect her. However, that isn't possible. The universe is a complete ass. So much so, that he's making mine want to walk over and slap him silly.

However, since the universe is being such an ass, it looks like I'm going to have to start doing some squats.

I give her a small smile, "I'll gladly be there for you but, everything I touch dies."

Not that it matters. I'll crush what's left her soul eventually; everything I touch turns to sand, not pixie dust. She will be kicking with joy at the irony that she will be the one walking away from me.

"I just lost someone I love, Holly. You're the only person who knows how I'm feeling right now." She glances away from me, "Dad moved across the U.S. and my relationship with my mom is basically zilch."

"You're the only family I got left, sis." I'm taken aback that she still thinks of me as her sister.

I step back out of my sadistic, selfish bubble and bring up a more pressing matter, "Evan isn't dead, B. He's just missing." Eventually, I connect the dots. I vaguely remember something about last night... I think the news did a piece on an enlisted teen going missing.

"I felt it. I swear I did. I don't want it to be true. They've been looking for weeks and came to the conclusion that he most likely won't return.

I just have this horrible pit in my stomach. I can't eat, can't sleep. I barely could pull myself out of bed this morning. I just don't know what to do. I can't help him. What if he is still out there, hurt or being tortured or something?"

She began crying again. Other than holding her, there's not much I can do. Losing someone to death is not something that anyone else can help recover from. I don't want to see her sad like this. Is this how she felt all those years ago, when my world fell apart?

"Maybe he is still out there. Lets just think positive thoughts." I say calmly, trying to believe myself. If someone goes missing while on a mission, the chances are fairly grim of them returning. Unless the person missing is detrimental to the mission, the will not put a lot of effort into the search. The chances get even worse as more time passes by.

The difference is that I pushed her away, when she came running towards me. I feel like such a shitty friend; I don't even think I could be classified as that at this point. I have no idea how could she still call me family when all I've done is rip mine apart.

I still can remember the last thing I said to her five years ago, it was so horrible. I didn't mean it of course, but it wasn't something I could take back. 

At the time, she was going through some family issues along with trying to stand by my side. Before the accident, she put all of her unresolved issues into guys... Or I guess you could say they put it in her.

I overstepped my bounds when I erupted like a volcano at her.

What's wrong? Don't get any attention back home, Bryn? Oh yeah, that's right. The only part of you that gets attention anymore is between your legs." 

I made the biggest mistake of my life and pushed away the only person that cared about me. I guess I was trying to save her from being around the mess that I had become. I guess I'll have to pick up her pieces to make it up to her.

It didn't work out that way because in the end I needed her to pick up my mess. She was always good at cleaning up shit, why not add my life to the list?

Bryn slowly falls asleep as I put on a Spotify playlist to calm her down. I need to take a chill pill myself.

 I need to stay strong; I can't revert back to my thirteen year old self who cried at the drop of a hat. Bryn reminded me of the girl I used to be. I run my fingers through her hair, soothing her tearful dreams.

That girl was as weak as her father's liquor.