For Draco (on hold)

Madison

I don’t know when I began to think of him and I as “together”. That is, to say, as an “us” and a “we”. All I know is that in my head I began to see this picture, and as time went on it became sharper, and fuller. All of a sudden it wasn’t just me…it was him beside me. It was wonderful.

In a matter of weeks I had gone from feeling completely alone to a feeling of fullness that I never wanted to lose. We talked all the time— little notes here and there. He was always on my mind.

I still thought of Jack everyday, but it was no longer associated with the same pain. Somehow it was less, and I was happier than I had ever remembered being. Now when I think of Jack, I feel this fondness tugging in my chest.

But with Draco, it has become so much more. His name sends my heartbeat whirring and my head gets dizzy. I blush, more often than not, and I have these tiny little butterflies constantly fluttering. Everything feels tight, in a good way, and there’s this anticipation that pulses through me.

It could have started when he showed up at Thanksgiving unannounced. We were all gob-smacked— my mother, Taylor, and I— we all didn’t know what to do with ourselves.

I kind-of let his name just slip from my lips, and that was enough to stir everyone into action again.

Taylor took five long strides across the room and tossed out her hand. They spent a few minutes reintroducing themselves while I fluttered nervously around the kitchen, trying to arrange another place setting.

I hadn’t been expecting him like that, to just show up unannounced. I mean— the flowers were kind of a warning— but not a very good one. I was nervous he was planning on staying in the house, for the whole weekend, or something.

“I’m sorry,” he told me, taking one of my hands. Heat rushed up my arm and I couldn’t feel it anymore. “I don’t mean to impose. I just…couldn’t stay away. I know this is your family time, but…I really wanted to see you.”

I was mad…for a total of five minutes. It was really hard to be mad at him with that smile on his face.

He was brilliant with Faith at dinner. Even when she got fussy, it took him only a few moments to distract her enough to crack a smile out of her. I could literally feel my heart melting. Even Taylor was impressed.

He knew that he was being watched like a hawk; there’s no way he couldn’t have noticed. My mother asked him a million questions about work, about his life in Britain, about how we met and knew each other.

When it came to him discussing that last part, well, I was almost embarrassed. It sounded almost improper, the way he described his attraction to me. In a way, it is. My mom didn’t look like she was judging him too harshly, though, considering she seemed to be smitten with his face.

When I put Faith down he stood in the doorway and watched me. I felt self-conscious as I sang her to sleep. I kept one hand on her long after her eyelids fluttered shut. I looked up at the picture frame of Jack on Faith’s dresser and my eyes pricked with tears.

Draco was at my side in a second, and I was leaning against him sobbing. He absorbed my pain and made it his own. My burden was somehow lighter.

“Maddie, shh, Madison, listen to me,” he said, “you’re doing the right thing for your family. There’s nothing wrong with that.” He knew exactly how I was feeling without me saying a word.

“How do you do that?” I sniffled, embarrassed for crying in front of him. He tucked me underneath his shoulder and shrugged.

“I wish I could say that I just know, but Taylor told me earlier.” We shared a short laugh and I walked him to the door.