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by stardust-poetry

by stardust-poetry

17 April 2015
The Night Everything Broke
02:17
I posted some long ass thing about my feelings about her on Wattpad. I had 2 anxiety attacks that morning. I was broken, happy, sad and angry all at once. I spoke to my “two close sources” the night before, when they told what happened with the other two (sadly, I can’t put names here). Yes, I was probably overreacting about the whole thing, but you will never understand how much emotion I went through. I didn’t sleep at all after writing that entire chapter.

Mid-May 2015
You came into my life.

So, this was the time where I guess I was just in fucking shambles. I got more depressed than I already was, and my life completely turned around. My marks only got worse, and I started talking less to people I used to speak to. This was also the time we started talking more, and I still have the BBM and WhatsApp chats from June onwards, and I deleted the rest from my mind when I got my phone back, but I kept ours, because those were special, and I never want to forget them, (but also because BBM are fucking money whores and won’t let me delete the rest permanently). Back to May, you were the only person I really spoke to. Besides another friend, (again, can’t mention names), you were the only person I could see every day, and continue the chats with. During class, the 27th May, you told me about how you lost someone really close to you. I couldn’t exactly relate, but it was so important to you, and the fact that you trusted me with this dually shocking to me, I knew I had to keep this trust.

June 2015
#Love -_-

I dreaded this part so much. So, I’ll get straight to the point. I told you I loved you. Fucking hell, I loved you so much. At this point, I had things straight for a while. I knew who I loved, but you never forget your first love. As much you want to, you never will, because they’re the person who gets you in this state of “Love”, and they make you understand it. More on that later. So, we went through this entire thing of saying it to each other for the next 5 months and 2 weeks.

9 July 2015
Around 17:00 - 19:00
Officially Dating
so wow such couple many cute
A/N: You will never get rid of my sense of humour, not matter the situation.

So, yes. The day I contemplated killing myself. You and someone I’ll focus on a bit later, basically told me not don’t do it. Now looking back, it’s kind of stupid thinking I almost killed myself over such a stupid reason. You told me, how much you loved me, and that convinced me to listen to you a bit more. You told me you had feelings for me, which I also told you a few days earlier. Basically, yes the moment my life changed.

10 July 2015
Between 16:00 – 17:00
Fucking phone broke.

I dropped my fucking phone on some fucking stone steps, which caused a range of problems for me, communication wise, and talking to you. November 2015 Exam Month. Another part I dreaded writing. So, after months of things going pretty well, I only saw one problem. Communication. We were always talking, but there was a weird silence sometimes, and I realised this earlier when we dating. Now this part might get you a bit confused. I don’t know. So what happened is I spoke to her, and from what I understand, I think she was going through this thing of “talking to a brick wall”. Anyway, this might sound rude, and I’m sorry if it does, but I felt the same. I never got anything much of a conversation, but I certainly enjoyed the time we spent after school. Those were some of the best moments ever. So, if you remember the time we sat by rocks next to the field after our Business Studies exam I think it was, I explained why I wanted to break up that time. I was trying to reduce the stress in your life, by not letting me get between the trust between you and your parents, but fuck, I don’t know how, but you somewhat convinced me, without you even knowing it, to keep dating. Fuck, I’ll give you props. December/January 2015
The longest part you’ll read.
The “Oh shit, did he just say that” chapter.

Basically, everything happened here. Okay, so this was literally the turning point in my life. Only you’ll get this. I hope you do it later. I really do. Anyway, after Turning Point®, I got thinking, which completely fucked me up by the way. So came the moment, and trust me; I thought about this for 2 weeks. I never wanted to do it this way, but I didn’t want you to come to school on the first day, with you smiling, then you leaving heartbroken and crying or shocked or anything like that. I do regret ever doing the way I did it, but there was never any other way of doing it as soon as possible. So, you told that you didn’t understand exactly why I did it. Now I understand why you would be confused, but I don’t what you expected, cause I’m the most confusing guy ever. That’s why I wanted space for a few days. So I could get everything out at once so it wouldn’t be confusing to understand, but you never gave it to me. That’s why I got so rude. You never gave me the chance to let me think, even though I asked you several times. So I’m sorry for blowing off like that, but it was simply because you got me frustrated that you never gave me the space, but now that we’re here I’m going to fully explain everything. -------------------------------------------------

So, the conversation thing is part of it, but that’s not the most important thing. “Her” is not even the biggest reason. The biggest reason was that nothing felt right anymore. I felt as I was putting so much pressure on you to hide this entire thing, and I didn’t want that. As much I was enjoying your time, I didn’t enjoy that it was all for the wrong reasons. Please just understand that I never wanted this to end. It’s just personal reasons, so you never did something wrong. Now with “Her”. It’s simple basically. I’ve mentioned the “Love” thing already, but I’m not looking to date her at all. I just simply want to find time with her to ask her where our friendship lies at the moment. So no stress there. I just want to fix the friendship. That’s all.

So I hope that explained everything. There are probably answers for any other questions in there. That’s all I have to say.

#MoveOnBitch

This is all messy, but I'm to lazy to fix it 😛