I was just sitting in school when it first happened. It scared me, and it still does. 'What is it' I bet you're wondering, and it is having a crush on a guy. Like, I still think girls are cool and all, but I think the idea of being with a guy would be much better than a girl. So far I've dated a lot of girls, some might even call me a jerk about how I end it so soon. Today I think I'm going to ask out Miley (yes I did just do that).
"So, want to go get lunch with me sometime?" I asked sheepishly, seeing her hazel eyes brightening up as I asked.
"I would love to! Does tomorrow at 1:30 work?" She suggested while picking up her books from math class. I just nodded my head and handed her my number, suddenly realizing I have to actually go out with another girl. Honestly, I'm only doing this to see if I really was gay. I hope that I'm not, it would be kind of awkward to come out to my parents when they are really homophobic.
--
The day went on with me having only one more emotional breakdown by overthinking the gay. Maybe I had to accept it, maybe I could just be unhappy and be with people I will only date for a kk the at the most. Who knows, maybe I'll just die after this date and my misery will be over.
I honked the car horn while I was outside of her house, and she came out with her blond hair in a French braid and she had on high waisted skinny jeans with a open flannel over a grey tank top.
"Hey, where are we going to eat?" She politely asked, and I immediately knew this was way wrong. I got myself in this situation, I can get myself out.
"Maybe Chillies?" I suggested, and she shook her head yes and stared out the window. She was kind of distant the whole way there, and she finally said something once we were almost there.
"Why do you date girls for so little time? Are you just using me?" She questioned me, with a hurt look in her face. "Ugh, I was so stupid to go out with a player," the said and she looked down at her hands.
"No no no, I don't want to use you," I tried to convince her, but how was I suppose to do that when I couldn't even convince myself I wasn't using her? I decided that today was the day I had to face the truth.
"Listen, I know we both know I'm lying. I was just trying to push all these thoughts out of my head because I couldn't face the fact I'm different. I thought if I only dated girls I'd start to like them again and I wouldn't have to deal with homophobic people, and it would all be Okay," I sobbed, feeling defeated. By this point we were already at the restaurant and she looked at me with pity.
"Listen, I know fitting in with society is hard but not everybody is the same. There is no way you can change being gay, and I will fully support you through it. You can call me wherever you need to talk to someone?," she calmed me, and I hugged her. This must have taken her by surprise, but I had hair came out to her so basically anything could happen at this point.
"Thank you for not being rude to me even though I deserve it by using you," I stated, still hugging her with the center console of my car between us.
"Literally all I wanted was to talk to somebody, and this brought us closer as friends so I'm totally cool with it," she giggled. We pulled away and went into the restaurant as a friend date as we called it.
This was the time I fully accepted myself, and I couldn't have been happier.
