Baara's Dreams

Chapter 7

A pale but determined Baara managed to serve Maacah her evening meal. Noticing her mistress glancing at her with concern from time to time, she tried to paste on a smile, but by the end of the meal, Baara knew she could act no more. Telling Maacah she felt ill, she asked if she could retire early. Expressing concern, Maacah offered to bring her some wine for her stomach, but Baara insisted that all she needed was some rest.

Keeping her head high and her shoulders straight, Baara retired to her bedchamber. The minute the door closed, though, she slumped against the rough wood and allowed pent up tears to fall. Going to her bed, Baara fell prostrate on her face and cried out to Yahweh.

"I was so sure you intended this punishment for good," Baara told her God. "Why has everything gone so wrong? I have no defense against the lies Zipporah has concocted. My heart is filled with despair."

Giving in to the desolation she felt, Baara began to sob quietly. She no longer gave words to her feelings but simply poured out her sorrow and hopelessness in a flood of tears. When her tears were spent, excerpts from Psalms floated through her tired mind.

"I am weary with my groaning; all night I make my bed swim; I drench my couch with my tears (Psalm 6:6)...The Lord has heard the voice of my weeping (Psalm 6:8b)...Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. (Psalm 125:5)"

"I'm certainly making my couch swim," Baara told Yahweh. "But I don't see how these tears can ever reap joy."

"Have faith," echoed in her mind. "Remember the words you clung to the other night. I am still your rock and your deliverer. Look up not around."

"I want to trust," Baara replied, "but I can't combat the evil in Zipporah. She has taken away all my defenses. I have no options left."

"All my defenses, all my defenses, all MY defenses," echoed through Baara's mind, with the word my growing stronger and more pronounced with each repetition.

"I know You have resources I do not," Baara said to God. "But I'm so afraid. I don't know how to trust in such a situation."

Again Psalms came to mind. "I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around (Psalm 3:6)...He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will take refuge...you will not be afraid of the terror by night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that walks in darkness, nor the destruction that lays waste at noonday (Psalm 91: 4-6)...Whenever I am afraid I will trust is You (Psalm 56:3) ...Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and He will strengthen your heart. (Psalm 28:14)"

Once again tears ran down Baara's cheeks as she said, "Yahweh, I have no strength left; my heart can only be strengthened by You. You will have to be my defense. I have none of my own. I need You to gather me under Your wings like a baby chick because the pestilence that walks in darkness is stalking me, and the terror of the night threatens to overtake me. Grant me wisdom for I don't know how to cope."

As a presence like a warm embrace surrounded Baara, in her mind she saw the eyes of the slave who had helped hold her on the bed while Zipporah did the unthinkable. The haunting eyes were filled with unfathomable pain and then, as though they had seen too much, they became vacant. In her memory, the eyes rotated between pain and blankness until Baara understood that perhaps some great pain similar to her own had caused the girl to retreat into herself because she could no longer stand the pain of the world. And it was Baara's pain that had precipitated the retreat. Could Baara possibly reach the girl through their shared pain and perhaps liberate them both?

As Baara considered just how to approach the other slave, she became aware of a burning pain in her vaginal area. Afraid to look, but knowing she should not ignore the pain, Baara sat and spread her legs, bending to look down. Shocked, she found her undergarments were stained with blood. Unbidden, a sob broke from her throat just as a knock came at her door, followed by Maacah's soft voice. "Baara, I know you are awake, unless you cry in your sleep. I'm coming in."