Endlessly

Please

My heart is pounding so loudly that I'm afraid that he's going to hear it.

"You know that I'm not gay, right?" he says, furrowing his brow.

"Yeah I do but..." I mutter, my voice shaking to the point where I probably sound like I'm going to cry. "But you deserve to know."

"Okay I can respect that," he mumbles. "But I'm sorry. You're my best friend, Dominic. And I'd prefer to keep it that way."

"That's just it," I whisper, placing my head in my hands. "I can't think of you as 'just a friend' when I feel this way. I don't think that I'll ever feel different about you. I love you, Matthew..."

"I'm sorry," he mutters. I feel my eyes start to water and my throat gets tight. "I'm so sorry."

"Matthew?" I call to him, barely audible.

"Yes?"

I take my head out of my hands and look up at him. "J-just one date?" I stutter. He looks at me in confusion, tilting his head to the left slightly. "Go one date with me. That all that I'm asking. After that, we can pretend that all of this never happened."

"I don't know Dom..." he trails off.

"Matthew, please," I say, looking him straight in the eyes. He looks sad... No... Not sad... Pitiful...

"I can't believe that I'm agreeing to this but... Okay..." he mutters, shaking his head. Is he that ashamed of me?

We say our farewells and he gets up and leaves. I remain motionless for what feels like hours. He pities me? Just the thought of it disgusts me. I force myself off of the sofa and shuffle to the bedroom, my head hanging low. I collapse in bed and drift off slowly. Why am I not happy? I should be happy.

My phone rings, snapping me awake. It's Matt.

"Yeah?" I grumble, rubbing my eyes.

"Did you just now wake up?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Well it's almost noon. I'll be over soon to pick you up."

"Oh. Okay." We both hang up and I jump out of bed. I either have time to eat or shower- not both. I decide on the latter. May as well look decent. I get in the shower before the water even had a chance to warm up. The cold water running over my body is certainly doing a good job of waking me up.

Put on a pair of black jeans and a plain black shirt moments before there's a knock on the door. I walk over slowly and open the door. The first thing I see are his shining blue eyes, but his usually crooked smile isn't present this time.

"Matt if you don't want to be here then just leave," I snap, trying to turn away from him. He grabs my shoulder and pulls me to face him.

"Neither of us are backing out of this. Now c'mom. Let's get going," he sighs. I nod, trying my best not to look at him. I grab the few things that I need and we head out together. We spend the walk to the cafe Matt had selected in silence. When we arrive, we order our coffee and take a seat at a corner table. We sit in silence a few minutes, but Matt isn't one to stay quiet for extended periods of time.

"Why me?" he asks, trying to get me to look at him.

"Doesn't matter," I sigh, still refusing to look in his direction.

"Dom, look at me," he demands.

"No," I respond then immediately regretting it. He reaches across the table and takes my face in his hands, actually forcing me to look at him.

"You really can act like a child sometimes, you know?" he laughs. Great. Now I'm laughing too. That little giggle of his can never fail to make me laugh. "So why me?" he says, his voice fading to a more serious tone.

"Um," I mumble. "I really don't know. I guess it's the way you can always make me laugh, the fact that you're always there for me..." I close my eyes and just let the words flow out. "You're just so smart and talented, you're so nice to everyone, even if they don't deserve it, and I guess that there's just something about your eyes that when you look into them," I pause for a moment and look at Matt, "you can just find yourself lost in them for what seems like eternity."

"Wow," he says, looking down, trying to hide his obvious blush.

"Yeah," I sigh, looking down because I can feel my face heating up as well.

We spend the rest of our time together talking like we normally would and sitting in silence. We walk to his flat together quietly. When we arrive, we stand together outside of his front door.

"There," I say, my voice starting to shake. "You can forget that all of this ever happened now." I close my eyes and look down. I feel Matt's warm breath on my neck as he pulls me into his arms.

"I don't want to forget," he whispers. The feeling of his breath leaves my neck, and the only thing that I can feel now is his warm lips against my own.