Memories of a Broken Heart

Today

Today

I've felt such hopelessness.

It sucks to realize that the one person you want isn't who you imagined them to be.

And it hurts so much because the whole time you've tried to protect yourself from people who act a certain way or are associated with people that you are not all too fond of. This isn't a poem. Not everything has to be beautifully scriptured. Sometimes I wish so hard that I could like those people. But that's not who I am. I will not change myself to meet someone else's needs. Even when they were not necessary.

I've wished so much that we had loved each other at the right times. He fell first. And after weeks since he asked me, my brain had been to full of him to keep him away any longer.

It was me giving him a chance. And he ended it. For a reason I realize now was in no way valid considering it could've been easily fixed.

I felt so cold and empty. Realizing I had felt whole but not really noticing. As time went on we ignored each other. Not out of avoidance but because our social needs were much different. Even more time passed and I was brave enough to look him in the eyes.

Eventually I went back to stolen glances I used to share with him. But stolen now only in secret and one sided. And then I fell. At the wrong time. Months too late. I know for a fact that I will never see him again.

I was a coward and didn't say goodbye. I regret it so much. I was childishly hoping I would see him next year. But I was a fool and my hopes never come true. Only my fears.

I'm stuck now. Stuck with the residue of love never loved. Stuck with the thought of what I could've, should've done in terms of fixing it at the source before it became a memory.

I'm at a fault. If I had just left well enough alone, I wouldn't feel this way.

But that's what the heart does. Betrays you and stabs you in the back with feelings you never knew you kept hidden away.

x.c.