riverside

hurt

so one day it feels alright.
Sometimes I feel guilty for crying over something and feeling so bad.
What can I say, it hurts.
I want to do the right thing, I do.
But
I don't know what the right thing is.
I feel selfish for feeling these emotions.
It seems unfair, at the same time I should be entitled to have it my way for once.
I like him. And I'm not confident but I like him enough to try to be. To try and talk to him.
But he likes my friend.
And my friend thinks he's a complete joke, always snickering and asking why I like him of all boys.
And i don't know how to answer because I don't know why either.
She's ahead, walking in her own way, he's trailing behind her just trying to reach her, and I'm all the way in the back running for him.
I'd give anything for him to be mine.
I wish she'd just appreciate that he likes her.
And I'm saying he likes her bcuz that's what I've heard and that's what she tells me.
Why can't be open his eyes and see how amazing we could be.
We would walk to class with each other, smiling about something only we know.
Little secret eye exchanges.
The looking away and smiling, or looking down and smiling.
It's happened before, but I want more of it.
He's the one who's funny in class and outgoing but has a small number of close friends.
He's loyal and nice to everyone.
He's shy when we pass by each other, making my heart ache and my stomach to flip and my mind to wonder if that meant anything to him.
He doesn't talk about his feelings or emotions with his friends but I can read him like a book.
It's so easy.
He keeps people at a friendly distance, creating the illusion everything's fine, but deep down he seems to be left with a huge lack of confidence.
Which is totally stupid.
He's incredible. He's gorgeous. He's nice.
Everything he could ever want, he could get.
Unlike me.
But maybe, just maybe, I can change his mind.
I can be his and he can be mine.
We'll be each other's everything.
But as of right now?
I sit bathing in the hurt
Wondering if it will get better
Wondering if he'll realize me
Wondering if I should just give up
This hurt is burning a hole through my soul yet he can't see it and she doesn't care to.
Hurt. The reflection of me.