riverside

accidents

3 weeks ago something happened.
It was an accident
And it's okay , it's all okay now.
But it's still there, living in the back of my mind.
Knowing the mistake could cost my life.
I know nothing in this world and most days I don't want to.
I don't want to go travel the world or be a crazy 17 year old girl.
No
I want to speak to no one and walk down the halls alone. I don't need anybody's fake smiles or half assed how are you's.
I don't need any of it.

It's all falling apart

2 weeks ago I got into a car accident.
I saw everything and nothing all in the same moment.
It was dark and it was cold.
And I was wrong

The next day at school nobody knew anything.
Only one person looked at me with sad eyes because my father traveled the news to his father who then probably felt the need to tell his son.

As I was walking down the halls during class like I usually do he comes to me.
Says he's sorry and he's glad I wasn't hurt.
I'm not.
Why did he care anyway?
Any other day he never spoke a word but instead watched as I walked past him, my bulky back swinging back and forth and hitting an average of 3 people.

The next day
Floods of people through out the day come out with apologies.
Well today I'm different.
Today I admire the feeling of their sympathy and I greet it inside hoping the warm feeling will spread through my body.
"You could've died"
But I didn't.
And I'm glad I didn't.
It was just an accident.
Both were accidents.
It was all an accident.

But what bothers me is I can't remember.
I just can't.
I remember the lights of the old diner and the billboard sign with the bearded man.
I remember the crash.
The car kept spinning and spinning and spinning.

My head is still spinning.
I can't think
Everything is jumbled and nothing makes sense.
But this is my mind
This is my mind.