The forced pain

Part 14

When I open my EYES with tears I breath very hard. "Spencer? Are you ready."
"Yeah I guess"
She takes her notepad and saves everything imma bout to say.
"There's that weird feeling. The feeling where everything happens but I'm just standing there. Like, I can't handle this anymore. Death is knocking on my door. Everyday harder and harder. And when I'm gonna open that door I'll be gone forever."
"Do you mean that there's not enough time left?"
"Time doesn't exist. Clocks do. And if you see it like that. Idc, but I can't hold it."
"What do you exactly feel?"
"Pressure. A lot of pressure."
"In which context?"
"In every context!" I say with a louder tone.
"Maybe it's time to talk with your parents the next appointment?"
"Why?"
"The school and I are worried about you."
"Are you kidding me?"
"Your school called"
"They're worried, but still they're the ones that fuck me up. How nice is that?"
Silent is filling the room.
"No one will ever understand. Not even you. Maybe you're a professional but if you've never had the same experience you can't understand."
"Go on..."
"I feel so fucked up and depressed, so useless. I just wanna go to sleep and not wake up ever again!"
"Spencer, you're not a failure. You're brave."
I look at her with drugged eyes.
"What do you mean? I'm not brave! The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die! Is that brave!!?"
She is so quiet, I guess also in shock.
"What about just being you. You don't have to fake a smile."
"Oh, you know it better? You don't even why I fake a smile!" I say angry.
"Than WHY." She tried to say easy but still hard.
"Because faking a smile is easier than explaining why you're sad." I say almost crying.
"Is there no solution or is it just you that not want to be happy?"
Did you really say that?
"It's not that I don't want to be happy. It's that despite how hard I try I can't bring myself to be happy. And so I carry on living this two lives. One for the public and one just for me late at night. Because that's easier than admitting I've a problem." I cry.
"Spencer, we'll do everything to get that right."
"I give up, there's no solution. Nothing! Okay.?!"
I go off my chair, take my coat and go to my über driver. Her face was so confusing. Idc anymore. Our next appointment is probably Wednesday. Whatever, now I go home.