In My Defense

Gummybears Are Friends

Chapter Four

It was ten minutes into second period. I was finally alone. Where? The teachers' lounge. Why? Because although this was the teachers' lounge, no teachers ever came in. Which is why I always spent my P.E. period in here. I'd usually lay around on the old couch. It was great.

Just as I flicked on the tv, (we had cable because like 35% of all school funds went to things like paying for cable and wifi and soda machines) Clyde walked in. Clyde was a guy in his early twenties, no younger than nineteen, who worked at the school. He was tall and lean, with a good build. His brown hair was short and flipped up a little in the front. Clyde was the activities director and was like a big brother to me.

"Skipping class again, Rae?" His voice held disappointment that I was all too used to. He walked behind me to sit at the small dining table behind the couch.

"Well, it isn't like I'm learning anything in gym."

"Still," he countered lamely. He sat beside me. "How've you been, Rae?"

"Wonderful," I muttered. Clyde didn't know about my, uh, "situation" but he knew something was up. He told me, once, that he saw the sadness in my eyes; that I seemed uncomfortable. He didn't press on though. It was a pretty awkward conversation for the both us and we chose not to pursue it.

Clyde sighed, knowing that was the best he was going to get out of me. "Did you bring money for lunch?"

"Nope," I said, popping the p.

He dug around in his pocket and got up to hand me a five dollar bill. "Here. You need to eat. You look thinner since I last saw you a week ago."

He was probably right. I'd rarely eat at home in fear of an encounter with my father. "Thanks, Clyde. I swear, I'll pay you back."

"Raelynn. If I was expecting you to pay me back, I wouldn't be giving you this. I'm doing this as a friend; a brother."

"Okay." I got up and pulled him into a hug. He patted my hair and kissed the top of my head.

"I'll catch you later, kiddo. If anyone messes with you, tell me. You got it?" He raised his eyebrows at me.

I laughed. "Sure thing, Clyde."

He waved and walked out the door. I walked over to the vending machine and got a bag of gummy bears and a water. I drank the entire bottle in a few large gulps, and began shoving gummy bears in my mouth by the handful.

After I finished, thoughts came to mind. They were dark, scary thoughts that'd I'd get pretty often. These thoughts scared the living hell out of me and I hated thinking about them. Thoughts of running away, hurting myself, hurting others and even suicide sometimes. Yeah, scary. I started singing to get my mind off of everything.

Has someone taken your faith?

It's real, the pain you feel.

You trust, you must

Confess...

I was so concentrated on singing, I didn't notice anyone come in.

"What are you doing in here?" The vice principals voice rang through the silent atmosphere.

"Shit," I mumbled.

- - - -

(A/N)

Lame chapter, but just wait.