In My Defense

Desperate Times

Chapter 19

Warm water cascaded down my head from the cup Ryan was holding. I was sitting in a big tub, bubbles surrounding me. My knees were pulled in close to my chest as Ryan rinsed the shampoo out of my hair, which covered my shoulder blades now that it was no longer in it's curls.

"I am so sorry about my father, Raelynn."

I shushed him, wanting to soak up the silence. Footsteps echoed away from me then made their way back. A squeezing noise sounded behind me, then Ryan began to massage conditioner into my hair. His hands moved in slow circles and inched their way to my neck. I felt my breath catch in my throat as his fingers lightly ran across the bumps and scars that covered my neck and shoulders. My body tensed and he immediately stopped and continued to work the lather into my hair.

Ryan's hand moved to the water, cup in hand, to gather some to rinse my hair. I felt his fingers graze the top of my thigh as he pulled his arm out of the water to pour it over my head. He repeated six or seven times, and each time, his hands touched my thighs and lingered there for a brief second.

Quiet footsteps walked away once again and I turned to face the sound, my kness still tucked against my chest. Ryan had a washcloth and a bottle of liquid soap in his hand. He sat down beside me and gently squeezed a good amount onto to the cloth. I held out my arms to let him wash me. Once he was done with that, I raised my legs up out of the tub and he began to wash them as well.

This may seem odd, but there was nothing uncomfortable about this situation. I mean, he was seeing my naked and that mean he was seeing the thin white lines and puffy pink bumps that covered my body, but none of that mattered then. I didn't care.

Ry's hand moved to the bottom of my feet. I jerked back, hating the tickle of bubbles between my toes. He laughed smally and went to get me a towel. I stood slowly, shivering as Ryan returned.

"Are you okay?" he asked as he draped the towel across my shoulders.

I grabbed the edges, trying to cover myself as best as I could. "Yeah. I just hate these damn scars."

Ryan came closer to help me step out of the tub. "I don't mind," he said quietly.

Well, I do, I thought. We walked to his room, the house was completely silent except for the sound of our bare feet quietly padding agaisnt the cold floor.

Ryan opened his door and led me in. He moved nimbly to his dresser while I sat on his bed pulling my underwear on over my legs. Ryan made his way towards me, a large T-shirt in hand. I slid the towel off my shoulders and threw it on the floor. Ryan held the head opening wide for me and pulled it on. I put my arms in myself.

I felt like a little kid. I was a little kid. I'm helpless and I'm lonely and I'm terrified to live without Ryan. It's like losing my mom all over again. One day, she's here, taking care of me. The nest day, she isn't. Happiness is a terrifying thing and it's being ripped from my grasp once again.

Ryan's hands framed my face. He leaned in, placing his forehead against mine. I let out a frustrated noise and Ry whispered, "I know, I know." I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again, staring straight into his eyes that looked like the clouds before it rained; dark and sad. They were hooded, his eyes, and he clamped them shut. When he opened his eyes again, they were swimming.

"God, I am so sorry." His voice cracked.

"It's okay." The sound that escaped my lips was barely there. It wasn't okay, everything was far from okay and he knew it because he shook his head.

Ryan closed the gap between us and kissed me. This kiss was angry but loving, and fast but also slow. It was a kiss different than I'd ever had with him before. I felt him frown against my lips as I pulled him back on the bed with me. His hands held him up on either side of me, but I kept trying to pull him down on me. I didn't mind.

Eventually, he relaxed. I ran my fingers through his hair, tugging occasionally. We were kissing pretty aggressively, but I didn't care. It was relieving to be angry in love and I can't really explain it. Everything that ever frustrated me was let pure in that kiss.

We gradually slowed down and I was the one to pull away, panting slightly. Ryan, who was still on top of me, leaned down to kiss me forehead. He rolled to the side and we sat face up, staring at his ceiling.

"I really don't want to go," he said quietly, not turning to look at me.

My hand searched the sheets for Ryan's hand. When I found it I said back, " I don't want you to go either."

We laid like this for some time. Our hands were together, squeezing every-so-often. We didn't speak. We hardly moved. We just listened to our synchronized breaths and let ourselves exist in that moment.

I kept thinking how different things would be once Ryan was gone. I'd be home a lot more. There would no longer be anyone to work on homework with. There would be no one to skip stones with at the beach when the water was calm. There would be no one to play music with anymore.

A lump rose in my throat. I tried to swallow but it came out as a yawn. I turned to face Ryan but he was already asleep. I curled up next to him and tried to sleep too.

But I couldn't. So I got up and walked to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. As I was about to enter, I heard a small clanking noise and froze. Angry whispers soon followed.

"I told you, Ryan. He's my son too." Pause. "One semester! I only said one semester!" And another. "Do you know what you're taking away from him? He loves her." Sarah sighed angrily. "Goodbye."

I walked in timidly to see Sarah sitting at the island, rubbing her temples. She went to pick to pick up her tea cup, but stopped abruptly when she saw me.

"Sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to startle you."

She sipped from her cup and placed it down again. "It's alright, sweetie." She brushed some hair out of her face. Then, as an after thought, asked, "Why are you up so late?"

I shrugged. "Couldn't sleep."

She nodded. "I made some tea. It might help?"

"Thank you," I replied as she got up to pour me some.

She sat back down across from me and slid the cup my way. "Raelynn. I'm sorry."

I sipped. "It's fine."

"It's not. It's just that all of this was planned before he met you."

I shrugged for a second time. "You had no way of knowing. I understand."

She shook her head. "I was mad to think this would work. Ryan can't stand his father. I wish we could just cancel everything, but it's all been arranged and I- I'm so sorry."

I tucked my lips between my teeth, then let out a soft sigh. I noticed that I had been sighing a lot lately, but it was justifiable. Desperate times, comes desperate sighs, right?

I finished off my tea and walked around the island. I draped my arms around Sarah and said, "It's not your fault." I hugged her and turned to leave.

I paused at the archway and turned around. I looked at Sarah and quietly said, "Thank you."

As I walked back up to Ryan's room, I thought about thanking. I was thankful for so much. I was grateful to the universe but also very upset with it. I had Ryan, for now at least, and that was all I was concerned with in that moment.

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wow what a way to end a thanksgiving themed chapter set hahgsgaha am i right ladies.

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