Delilah

Chapter 14

Again I lay down, waiting for the heat of day to dissipate before I continued my journey. I knew that to walk in the heat of the day would be impossible, but I also feared traveling when there was enough light for fellow travelers to see my face. My male-garbed physique might fool one from a distance, but I feared my facial features, even without the enhancement of makeup, might hint of my secret. As I lay, my mind continually replayed the conversation of Manoah and his nephews. When I sought to replace them with plans for Salome, I was unsuccessful. I could not escape their verbiage, so I chose to focus on the words of the young man, Sallu. Samson had told the lad he loved me and would die trying to win that love. Samson had proven that love by telling me his secret and putting his fate in my hands. Even after I betrayed him, Samson forgave me. He told me of the love of his god. Now I was headed to the place designated by that god as a city of refuge. I was curious as to whether this strange god would allow me peace in his city. Would he truly become my protector, as Samson seemed to think? I doubted that he would. It simply did not make sense that he would allow Samson to die and then protect his betrayer. As the stars came out, I looked upward and said to this god of creation, "I do not know you or your ways, Yahweh, but in the name of Samson your servant, I petition you for protection. He told me to go to Hebron and learn of you. Protect me long enough to give me that chance."

Rising from my resting place, I prepared to continue my journey eastward. Although night had fallen, it still seemed unbearably hot. Yet, I knew that I could not wait any longer. As I set out, I found walking more difficult than the night before. My leg muscles were sore from yesterday's unaccustomed use. But the biggest problem was my left heel. It was so tender now that I could put little weight on it and had to lean on the walking stick. When I examined the foot by the moonlight, I saw that it was swollen to almost twice its normal size. While concerned, there was nothing I could do. In the dark I could not even tell the cause of the swelling. I would have to walk on it and hope using it would not make it worse.

And so, I slowly made my way through the night. My throbbing heel and sore muscles distracted my mind so that I was temporarily free of the torturous thoughts that had haunted my afternoon. My focus was on the effort it took to put one foot in front of the other. As I followed the stars eastward, I expected the heat to lessen. But even when a breeze arose, it seemed only to stir hot air. It made me so thirsty, I drank often, causing the water in my wineskin to disappear at an alarming rate. I feared I would not have enough water to last me until I reached the abundant springs rumored to surround Hebron, but my body craved water.

After walking for what seemed an eternity in the oppressive heat, I saw what looked like an oasis in the distance. I tried to speed up my pace in anticipation of being able to refill my skins and perhaps even wade into a cool pool. In my haste, I put all of my weight on my left foot. A sharp pain shot up my leg, causing me to cry out and sink to my knees. Unable to struggle back to my feet, I began to crawl toward the trees. As I crawled, the trees seemed to fade into the dark and disappear. Realizing I must be experiencing a hallucination, I rolled onto my back in the sand. For the first time, it dawned on me that while I still felt hot, the sand beneath my hands felt cool. As I lay and stared at the stars and sifted the cool sand between my fingers, I realized that I was gripped by a fever. I wondered whether I had picked up a strange sickness during one of my stops or if the pain in my heel were somehow responsible for the fever.

Then a chill gripped me as I thought of another possibility. Perhaps Samson's god had chosen to afflict me for betraying his servant. A god powerful enough to help Samson destroy so many Philistines could surely take care of a vengeful woman. For a moment I lay in complete despair, certain that my death was imminent. I stared at the stars twinkling in the dark. Then overcome by anger, I shook my fist at the heavens.

"I am not a weak, cowardly woman," I shouted into the night. "I withstood the abuses of a drunken father and lived through orgies. No god helped me through those things. I made it through by my own strength. I will not lie here and die to appease any god, not even the god of Samson. Do you hear me, Yahweh? I withdraw my petition for your protection. I do not need you. I have my own strong will and that is enough."