Delilah

Chapter 32

You think you know my biggest secret, but you have not even scratched the surface of my past," I finally said. "You have forgiven me for my betrayal of Samson, and you seem to be able to ignore that I was once a prostitute. Are you prepared to forgive me for bedding my own father and allowing him to abort the child of our incestuous relationship?"

In a rush of words, I told Alian what my life had been. I told him about conceiving a child and how my father brutally aborted the son he had sired. I told him how the woman who helped me to heal physically told me that my bastard son, the progeny of incest, was better off dead. When my words finally wound to a conclusion, I sat softly weeping into my hands.

Once again, I felt Alian's gentle touch as he laid his hand on my bowed head and said, "Don't cry, Salome. You have heard the story of Aunt Naomi's past. It is not you that I need to forgive; it is your father. What man in his right mind would rob his daughter of her innocence just to satisfy his own lust? He is the one who chose to murder your unborn child, Salome. Do you really think you had any choice in the matter?"
Taking a shuddering breath, I raised my head, managing to dislodge Alian's sympathetic hand.

"You are right, Alian. I had no choice then, just like I have no choice now. I cannot be anything but a friend to you because I can never fulfill the primary purpose of a woman in a marital union. I can never give you a son like I gave my father. When he aborted my child, he left me barren. The woman who came to tend to me told me that I would not conceive again," I finished in a defeated tone.

"And what if you can bear no sons?" Alian asked. "To be childless is not the end of the world. Naomi was barren. She never was able to give my uncle an heir. She was still his soul mate. I have never seen a more devoted couple."

"They did not choose childlessness," I argued. "For years they clung to hope. For us there would never be any hope. You think now that you would be satisfied without sons, but how will you feel when your friends go hunting with their sons? How will you feel when you attend the bar mitzvahs of the sons of your relatives? How will you feel when you must allow a cousin to inherit your family farm because you have no son? Your God calls men who have many sons 'blessed.' Your history is full of stories of women desperate to provide their husbands with an heir. It is one thing to talk about accepting a marriage with no chance of progeny. It will be another to actually live the reality. I listened to you give the benediction at Sallu's and Myra's wedding. The first words out of your mouth were, 'May Yahweh bless this union with many sons.' If that was not proof enough of the importance of children, you made certain that everyone knew why Yahweh instituted marriage when you said, 'He has already given Myra the beauty of our ancestor Sarah. May he also grant her the faith of Rebecca and the fertility of Leah.'"

"That benediction was intended for Sallu and Myra," Alian interjected hurriedly. "It is the traditional type of blessing spoken over a marriage. It does not mean that I hold with tradition. I know that the fathers in all their wisdom have decreed that sons are what bless a marriage; yet, when Yahweh instituted marriage, his first thought was not of offspring. He made woman as a helper for man. He told man to leave his father and mother and become one flesh with his wife. Yes, they were to be fruitful and multiply, but this was not their first task. Their first task was to complete one another. This task begins before children enter the family and continues after they are grown and leave their parents to be joined with a spouse."

Reaching out and taking my hand, Alian held it over his beating heart.

"My heart tells me that you are the one Yahweh ordained to be my helper," Alian concluded. "Listen to your heart, Salome. Your mind tells you that I will betray you when I realize the reality of a childless marriage. Your heart speaks a different message. Listen to your heart."
Pulling my hand from Alian's grasp, I reached up and placed it gently on his cheek.

"Give me time to think about what you have said," I responded. Withdrawing my hand, I stood slowly. "I perceive that night is upon us. Let us sleep on this. We will talk again another day."

I made my way down to my bed chamber, while Alian retreated to his rooftop. When I entered the room, I heard Naomi's gentle snore. Smiling to myself, I prepared for bed. Once on my sleeping mat, slumber eluded me. I tossed and turned for a while. Finally, I sat up and hugged my knees to my chest. Although this was not the traditional pose for prayer, I began to talk to Yahweh. I told him of Alian's avowal of devotion. I listed my concerns. Finally I asked, "Have the religious leaders gotten things backwards? Is the matter of a woman completing a man as important as children?"

I must have spoken aloud without realizing it, because Naomi answered my question.

"No. It is not as important. It is more important."

"What?" I exclaimed.

"I said it is more important," Naomi replied. "If the father and mother have a poor relationship, their children are not blessed. They are subjected to disharmony in the home and they grow up with flaws in their character. Why do you think that Yahweh's ideal is for a man to refrain from working during the first year of marriage?"

"A year?" I echoed.

"Oh, we have shortened it to a month. Most of us are greedy and do not want to support our children for a full year while they form a relationship. In our wisdom, we have decreed a month to be long enough for a couple to learn how to be man and wife, but Yahweh's ideal was a year."

She was silent so long that I thought perhaps she had fallen back asleep. Then she continued in a choked voice.

"I learned too late that the most important task God gives a woman is to be the helper and completer of her mate. Do not make my mistake, Salome."

I didn't know what to say and so said nothing. I lay back down on my pallet and prepared to sleep, but after a moment Naomi's voice came again from the darkness.

"Why were you questioning Yahweh about the comparative importance of children?"

Wanting advice and realizing that perhaps Yahweh had responded to my prayer through his servant Naomi, I answered, "Alian tells me that he does not care that I can never give him sons. He told me he wants me to consider marrying him anyway."

"So that is why you drove him away," she said matter-of-factly. "What makes you so sure you cannot have children?"

And so, for the second time that night, I shared the story of my abortion. To Naomi, I told the whole sordid story, sparing no detail. When I grew silent, she spoke, not as my friend but as a healer.

"Did you take the powder to prevent conception whenever you slept with a man?"

When I answered in the affirmative, she asked, "So how do you know for sure that you are infertile? Just because you have never again conceived does not mean that you cannot. The woman who tended you could have been wrong. Do you still bleed monthly?"

"I still bleed," I said. "But not always at the prescribed time. Sometimes I go seven to ten days beyond the regular time."

"As long as you are still having a regular cycle, there is the possibility of conception," she responded. "It is possible that your father damaged your womb and so a child would not have the optimal environment in which to grow. In that case, the woman could be right. If he did no physical damage, the herbs you took could have done what they were designed to do and prevented conception."

With a sigh, I said, "You only complicate matters, Naomi. If I believe you, then I might marry Alian with the secret hope that I could give him an heir."

"Then you would be doomed to repeat my mistakes," Naomi concluded for me. "If you decide to become Alian's wife, do it because you believe him when he tells you that he wants you more than he wants children. Do not let false hope motivate your answer. Only marry him if you are prepared to love him completely, whether or not God blesses your union with children. When a woman lets the longing for a child overshadow her love for her husband, she can poison the relationship. She becomes so obsessed with the yearning for a child that her desire for her husband dims. I almost made that mistake. My husband's wisdom saved me from myself."

As I drifted off to sleep, I heard the voice of the woman who tended me after my abortion. She was telling me that my son was better off dead than being born into the world as the bastard son of a prostitute. My last waking thought was to wonder if I wouldn't be better off barren, because any child of mine would carry the stigma of being the son of a betraying whore.