lonely hour

isaiah

and smash into you.

when i lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, i wonder where she is. i look past the walls, i look outside. her name rings in my mind, an innocent melody of curly brown hair, and deep green eyes.

but there's more to her than that, more than her looks. she sees something in me, something i can't. i can tell that she's infatuated, and i should stop whatever this is before she gets burned. before this little infatuation grows into something more. i'm being selfish by keeping her with me, continuously meeting her in the moonlight. she's too pure, an angel untainted, untouched.

fuck.

i need a cigarette.

in the middle of a lecture, i stand, leaving abruptly. the professor doesn't say a word. my hands shake as i exit the building. people move out of my way as i head down the corridor, rushing to get outside.

this addiction stalled when i met her, but the nights after it's grown stronger. it's an unstoppable force, driving me from my classes and pulling me out of work.

i rub a hand down my face, weary and utterly exhausted, then i reach for the pack in my pocket. my mind goes to her when i place the cigarette between my lips, lighting it quickly. as i exhale, i close my eyes, seeing her behind my eyelids.

she leans into me, her head on my chest, and eyes trained to the cigarette, watching as i prop it between my lips. somehow, she knows i'm upset, like she can read my expression. i'm about to take a drag, needing to feel the urge dissipate, but she plucks the cigarette from me, holding it between her slender fingers.

her eyes shine as she searches mine. i doubt she'll see anything, my eyes lack the appeal she's probably used to.

i reach to take it back, but she swiftly places the cigarette in her delicate mouth. my heart pounds as her wet lips purse around the cigarette, inhaling sharply. an ache spreads through my chest at what i've done. how could i be so careless?

and then she laughs, wiping away my fear. smoke pours from her mouth, blowing into my face, making her laugh more. i can't take it, i want her more than a stupid cigarette.

with her body pressed to mine, i feel like i can be the man she thinks i am.

i snap out of the memory and finish the cigarette. when i return to the lecture hall, it's over, and the professor is just leaving. i run to catch him before he walks away, a question coming to mind. it's one of many, all brought to my attention by her, ava. she makes me think deeper.

"excuse me, professor langdon," i call out, waiting for him to turn around. when i have his attention, he motions for me to go on. "are dreams made of atoms?"

he frowns briefly, scratching his head, "well, no." i wait for an explanation, but none comes. the old professor wishes me a good day, and continues to make his way to the parking lot.

i'm excited to tell ava, knowing her face will glow with the new information. she's naive, wanting to learn everything there is to know about the world. it's admirable, someone who sees the world as a puzzle.

"isaiah, where have you been, brother?"

a hand claps on my shoulder, startling me from my thoughts. it's an old friend, one i've been blowing off lately. he walks alongside me, waiting for a response.

i shake my head, ruffling my hair with a hand, "sorry, man, i've had a lot on my mind." it isn't a lie. this thing with ava has me going mad.

west chuckles. "a girl?" he questions, knowing me all too well.

"that obvious?" i force a laugh, glancing at my wrist. the watch reads eleven fifty-seven. my fingers drum at my sides, i must reek of anticipation.

an awkward silence ensues before i decide to break off, sending a nod to west as a goodbye.

my feet hit the pavement at an uneven pace. i realize i'm walking faster than usual, eager to waste time with her. when i reach the street, i check the time. twelve eighteen.

the moon is covered by fog, eerily calm in the middle of the night. a breeze rushes by, bringing no sign of ava.

a half hour passes. then an hour. and soon, two.

i blow hot air into my hands, searching up and down the street. she's usually here by now.

an unnerving feeling washes through me, and i take off in her normal direction. i retrace her steps, jogging down the road in the dead of night. i'm unaffected by the run, but my heart races.

where could she be?

my surroundings are unfamiliar, but i ignore my confusion and push on, looking up and down side alleys.

before i know it, i'm sauntering into the next town over.