Spaceking

Chapter 25: A Spiral Of Wasted Days

Confused, I swiped the video away, shutting down the app. Jolene was heading towards me with a bag in her hand. She looked weirdly at me, her eyes filled with concern. I shoved her phone back into her hands.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I hissed, pointing at it. She tilted her head. "What do you mean?" She asked. "Isn't it obvious what it means?" My eyes were slightly wet, filling further with the tears I had kept away the last month. Jolene's eyes were glazy as well. It was as if she was feeling what I was. "He likes you, Jo," she sighed. "And judging by that video and what Phil told me; a lot. He's in pain, can't you see that?"
I scoffed. "Of course I can see that, I'm not blind nor dumb. But what about my pain, Jolene? I've been in a lot of it too in case you hadn't noticed." Slowly, the tears started escaping my eyes. I took a grip on Jolene's arm and we left the restaurant. I didn't want to cry in there, so we talked while walking home. "He can't just do that and expect I run back to him. I have a life here. I live here, I study and work here." Jolene raised her eyebrows. "Funny how you didn't mention Julian."
"JOLENE WHAT THE FUCK!" I yelled. She was startled and backed away. I had scared her. But who did she think she was? That she had the right to just invade in my feelings, my intentions? Well, she didn't.
"You can't tell me what I should be feeling," I told her. "No, but I can tell you what you are feeling right now. Your heart broke, didn't it? You are worried about him. What happened to him? Why does he look so tired? That's probably what you're thinking. Why are you so afraid off admitting that? Wouldn't that make everything easier?"
"It would make everything even more complicated," I sighed.
"It's simple Jo," Jolene looked at me. "I'm only asking you this once. Do you have feelings for Julian? Actual feelings, not just physical attraction?" I wanted to say yes so badly. Yes, I liked talking and laughing with him, not loved. Yes, I liked how kind he was with me, not loved. I was embarrased to admit that my favourite thing about our relationship was how someone like him fell for someone like me. But now I came to think of it, I didn't like him. I liked the idea of him. For me, it felt as friends with benefits.
Jolene sensed my hesitation. "Okay. And what about Dan? Did you have feelings for him? Back in England?"

Yes of course. I never liked someone so much as him. Him as a person gave me happiness and hope. He made me smile. There was probably even a moment in which I truly loved him. But-

"He broke me, Jolene. It's his fault I'm like this now. Now I'm just some hopeless and restlesss girl who's stuck. I'm stuck. I mean, I still study and I still breath and talk and eat and sleep-" I took a deep breath, I felt like I was hyperventilating. "But I'm not living anymore. And he made me this way. That's not something you can forgive easily."
But Jolene smiled. "The fact that you feel this way is reason enough to forgive him. If you don't forgive him, you won't get to live again, Jo. It's like you said it yourself. You'll still be stuck in this spiral of wasted days. You'll study and find work, and what then? You'll marry him? Marry Julian?"
Fuck no. The thought alone scared me. Jolene noticed my face. "Your expression says enough. If you don't find that idea exciting, then it's time to let Julian go. Tell me Jo, imagine you and Dan getting married.. Completely hypothetical, of course."
When she said that, there were immediate fantasies consumed by my brain. I could see how he would look in a tux, looking me straight in the eyes while I walked towards him. A smile so wide, the whole world was blinded by his dimples. His eyes a lighter colour, bright with happiness.
A safe feeling dominated my heart. I heard Jolene chuckle.
"Jo, don't lie to yourself and forgive the guy. Let Julian be, he wouldn't want to be with you if he knew you don't like him that way." With that, she opened the front door and entered her dorm building. After a short hesiation, I followed. I realised she was right.

Damn, apparently she could invade my feelings.

Shit. I need to speak with him.

***********************************

"Philly!" Lisa and Jolene shouted. I poled my head through the door of the room. They were seated on Jolene's bed, her laptop opened. It showed off Phil's face, which was full of joy. My teeth bit down on my fingers, more specific my nails. I certainly was anxious. My phone vibrated in my backpocket. My hands were shaking when they left my mouth and reached for it. It was Julian. My breath was shaky too.

Jules:
Babe? Are you free tonight?

I realised I hadn't answered his last text.

No, sorry. I'm having a girls night. Hope you don't mind

No problem, I know how much you missed them. Give me call if anything, have fun <3

His answer bothered me. He was so kind and loving towards me. I knew how easily he could find someone else, but I still had a weird feeling about dumping him. What if it broke his heart? I'll never be prepared for breaking a heart. But Jolene was right. Me and Julian wouldn't work out if I didn't like him that way. And I didn't. I liked Dan that way. I sadly enough still did. He never left my mind, even though I tried to hate him.

I put my phone back and took a deep breath. I wanted to see them both so badly.
I stepped out of the small kitchen towards the bed. "Philly?" I asked softly. I could hear the cautious excitement in my own voice. On the screen, Phil's eyes changed direction and focused on me. Immediatly, his face became even brighter. "Joanna! Oh my God I haven't seen you in so long!" Thanks to his excitement, mine grew. I skipped towards the laptop, smiling widely. "I missed you so much!" I tried to keep myself in line. Imagine if I went to hug a computer.
"Me too! You should call me more," he said. I noticed he was sitting in the lounge. "You haven't called either," I giggled. He chuckled aswell. "I was afraid to be a bother." "You would never be! Call me whenever."
We talked, all four of us. We were all extremely excited and happy. I was glad I decided to come. I realised that another week without talking to Phil would have destroyed me.
And without-
"So, tell me," I said after half an hour. "How is Dan?"
All three of them gasped at my question. Jolene looked a little smug, but Lisa and Phil just plain confused. Then, Phil slowly talked. "Have you seen.." He didn't end his question. But I knew what he was trying to say. I nodded, looking away. I didn't want to remember that video. "Then you know, kind of. He says he's okay, but he's obviously in quite a bit of pain. Now that he realised what he felt for you, what he's still feeling, he sort of broke. Now he's always tired, never actually hungry. I make sure he stays fed and all, but-"
I almost choked on held-back tears. I should have known. I saw the video, I knew it was bad. "Can I talk to him?" The words quietly left my mouth. Again, my friends were speechless. But Phil smiled. "Of course. Do you want to be alone?" I hesitated. Was I ready for this? But then I nodded. I needed to be ready. For him, I'll always be ready.
"Call us when you're ready. See you in a bit, babe," Jolene said. Phil smiled at her, waving. When Lisa and Jolene were out the room, Phil looked back at me. "I'll go get him. You want me to tell him it's you?" I shook my head. "Just say someone wants to see him.
Phil nodded and stood straight. For a second, I had a view on only his crotch, then he walked away.
"Hey Dan?" I heard him call. I heard a knock, what told me Dan sat locked away in his room.
"What?" He said. His voice sounded like he was fine. He was probably scrolling through Tumblr or Twitter.
"Someone wants to see you on Skype."
"Jolene and Lisa? Cool, I haven't seen them in a while." A door opened. "It's in the lounge. I'll be in my room."
It was silent for a moment. Then a closing door, then footsteps. I took a last deep breath before a new pair of legs entered the screen. Grey sweatpants. I couldn't help myself and thought: damn son, you look good in thooose.
He sait down, and now his pale face and curls filled my screen. I smiled, his eyes lit up.
"Joanna?" He gasped. My heart swelled with happiness and my smile grew and grew.
"I'm so sorry Dan," I said. "I shouldn't have ignored you like that. I mean, yes, I was hurt, but you obviously were as well. I'm so sorry please forgive me."
"I should be saying sorry Jo. I was so rude, but I was just so surprised. I had felt some things around you, I just never really thought about it. When you said those things to me and you, well-" he blushed, "did that, I took some time to realise. You were gone already. And you had all the rights to ignore me after that."
I shook my head. "Still, I'm so sorry."

"Let's forget. It's about time, don't you think?"
"Yes, it is."