unrequited

chapter 1

"me and my heart, we'll make it through"

-

Ben's hand trails down my arm slowly, fingertips tickling my arm.

"Tell me everything," he whispers before pressing a delicate kiss to my forehead.

"You already know most things," i whispered back, awaiting his answer.

"I don't know enough, tell me more" i felt his chin move above my head, his lips pulled into a smile.

"And what is it that i'm telling you exactly?" i giggle, lifting my head up slightly to meet his blue eyes.

"Everything. What made you, Lillian? What made you hate the world the way you used to? The way you did, before me? what was your childhood like? how'd you grow up? tell me whatever I don't know," he requests, pressing yet another kiss to my hot skin.

I sigh, knowing there's no way i'm getting out of this, i peck his lips once.

      "well, I was conceived and raised in Arizona. my dad left my mom while she was pregnant with me. he was in the army, and he said he loved her too much to let us live waiting for him and waiting to see if he'd return home for us or if he'd die at war and never return. my mom got pregnant young, and back then you chose between your family and your career. so he was gone long before i was born. and well my mom, she died while giving birth to me. so i was basically born without parents. i was immediately sent to my grandfather and his wife because my mom was closest to them. so i grew up with them. i was a happy kid. i understood almost everything involving my family situation. i knew why i'd ended up the way i did. i loved my grandparents like they were my actual parents, because in a way, they were. when i was 19, both my grandparents passed in a car accident, drunk driver hit them and ran them off the road. at that time, i was old enough to live on my own, i didn't want to go to college right away, so i got a job and worked and worked and raised enough money to buy my own apartment, because while working i was just spending every night with a different friend. on my twenty-first birthday i was out and about with some friends shopping and such. we stopped at a coffee shops for a bit, and a man approached me, asking if i knew who he was. at first, i was confused ; of course. but the more i looked at the guy, i knew. he was my dad. the resemblance was undeniable. i knew i was a spitting image of the man. blue eyes, freckles across the cheeks, chubby cheeks, blonde hair, i was a replica of my father. we talked a lot. i saw him as my reach of faith. i had literally no family left, it was my birthday, and he somehow ended up in the same coffee shop as me. it was fate. after a week of talking, i got a call. it was the city trauma hospital. my dad was crossing the street and a drunk driver hit him. he killed him. what are the odds? another fucking drunk driver taking someone with my blood. he was my last hope at family. and despite the short amount of time i'd had to get to know him, i loved him. i mean, he was my father. my flesh and blood. the only one i had left. so, that basically left me where i am now. two years later, a still, young girl who holds more anger towards the world then necessary, full of bitterness in a small apartment near my college campus, alone."

by the time my life story was compacted into some sentences, tears were drowning my eyes. but as always, i refused to let them fall. after everything i'd been through, i was stronger than expected.

i felt ben shift before he moved my body so i was facing him completely.

his eyebrows were furrowed deeply, deep blue eyes filled with tears, heartbreak and pity. his bottom lip popped out, almost as if in shock.

he slowly shook his head, "i-i didn't kno-"

"it's alright. how could you have? don't worry about it, I can't take your pity. i've been given enough," i smile tightly, pressing my hand to his warm, bare chest. and with that, a single tear ran down my face. we both dismissed it, as i wiped it as quick as it came.

"you're not alone. i'm here. i'll always be here, i'll take care of you baby," ben tells me, pressing a light kiss to my nose. if only it were true.

when he pulls away his eyes are closed, and he sighs through his nose.

"i don't need you to take care of me, haven't we both learnt that i'm very, very independent?" i smile slightly, meeting his gorgeous eyes.

he ignores my comment, shakes his head ever so slightly, before pecking my lips yet again.

I pull away from his cherry lips, and look at him for a few seconds, "how bout you? tell me what made you, ben? what made you love life the way you do?"

"there isn't much to tell. i'm like the least interesting person on this earth," he tells me, frowning slightly.

my eyebrows furrow, and i pull myself up his body so i'm face to face with him, "that is the biggest load of bullshit i've ever heard," i scold him, because i disagree completely with him. he's become the light of my life and sometimes the only thing that makes me smile and laugh anymore.

"you already know a lot. i'm an only child, my mum lives in the nursing home around the corner from my apartment. i have a huge family," he shrugs, biting his lip.

   "i did know all of that. but i don't know why your moms in a nursing home, i don't know where your dad is. so tell me, please?" i whisper, pecking his jaw.

he sighs before smiling brightly, inhaling deeply and starting,

"well, because of my grandparents and their careers both of my parents were pretty well off. My mom met my dad senior year, he was also a senior.  Quarter back, so he was popular and known for his many one night stands, kinda like me in high school. He met my mom at a party, they hooked up. Few months forward and she landed pregnant with me. After that, they fell in love or some corny shit like that, they got together and their parents supported them financially, but once i was born they moved out, and got jobs. graduated on their own, with me. they did a pretty damn good job, being teenagers on their lonesome. they raised me right. i was in high school and i was one of the few kids who had parents still married. When i hit seventeen, my dad passed, lung cancer, it was really rough for my mom. it was rough for me, i lost my way and spiraled a bit out of control - drugs, alcohol, way too many one night stands. when i look back to that time i feel like shit because my mom needed me and i wasn't there. but when my mom turned out to also have cancer - breast cancer- i straightened up to take care of her, help out a bit. She got too sick for me too handle, not having any experience and all, so now she's in the nearest nursing home. i visit her daily when i can. every single holiday for me is spent with my huge happy family. i guess me not loosing my mom had sort of taught me that there's always at least one positive to life. before she was my only positive. but i met you, and now i get to proudly say, i have two positives. and it's the two women that i care for and hold as close to my heart as possible." he ends with a smile and a light kiss to my nose. i just wish the words he was saying were true and meant we could finally be together.

i smile lightly.

"lil?" i hear ben whisper a few minutes after silence took over.

"yes ben?" i ask, smiling at the beautiful sound of his voice.

"i uh, i love you."

i didn't say anything. i couldn't. and i wouldn't. because i knew he didn't mean the words. we didn't say those things. we were purely physical and we agreed on that long before this moment. when i grew feelings for him i tried harder than ever to suppress them and it didn't work, because i fell harder and harder for him, but i kept it hidden. i knew if i returned the words, i would only get hurt. because despite his words, the love i have for him is and always will be unrequited.