how to never stop being sad [ON HOLD]

7

// keep listening to the
mixtapes they made you
overanalyse every single word
you hear "was this a sign
that things were going
wrong" no no, you
were the one that cared
too hard, not them //

you sit and listen to every playlist they made you, listen to the tone of the voices and the pitch of every note. you've convinced yourself that even that happiest love songs were about how it was your fault that you went separate ways (of course it was your fault. everything else is).

you've trained yourself to hear the words 'I love you' as 'you are so clingy' or 'why are you like this?' sometimes you even hear 'i  can't believed I ever loved you' between the lines of the songs.

the good times you had together are etched into your brain like a permanent movie, but as time flies thoughts push themselves into your memories you start imagining a sad or annoyed look on their face as you're both laughing at a stupid joke.

why do you still listen to the mixtapes they for made you?

every song makes you feel more and more like the so called loving connection you had was never there. every song you hear reminds you of them in someway, a memory or their voice, a kiss or the butterflies in your stomach. every once in a while you'll see someone who looks like them, sometimes your heart beats so fast that you think the people around could hear it and sometimes you feel an ocean of tears almost flow out
of your eyes.

you still think that they never cared, that they regret every second spent with your pathetic self. apparently they're fine now. of course it was you who cared too hard, not them.

this was all your fault (or so you think) you were on the edge of the pool of love, they said they'd jump with you and you trusted them (too much) so you jumped in head first and drowned while waiting for them at the bottom.

why do you listen to the mixtapes they made you? if the cds filled with illegally downloaded songs make you only utter sadness why do you still put them in your cd player
everyday at 5am?