how to never stop being sad [ON HOLD]

6

// stay up every single night staring at your phone either attempting to gather up the courage to turn these demons, these constant reminders of
your loneliness into nothing more than a bad dream or praying just for one second you could feel the warmth of equally returned love //

you'll stare at the wall and notice the empty space next to you, suddenly you feel cold and lonely (as if you weren't already). this is all you fault, isn't it? the overwhelming sadness was caused by your fucked up head, the empty feeling in your chest was caused by your good for nothing heart and the constant welling of tears was caused by your overall patheticness, it's always your fault.

for the past few years you've lived your life through a 640 x 1136 screen. you are constantly posting shit to convince strangers on the other side of the world that you live a totally not depressing, fairy tale life (you secretly hope to convince yourself too).

you let the lights keep you up at night because the dark is unbearable, you've become best friends with the shadows your lamp makes on the wall (holy fuck you're lonely). sometimes they scream at you and sometimes they sing you lullabies. (but it's all in your head so you've come to the conclusion that you're absolutely fucking insane).

you wish for the warmth of another person against your back as you lie on your side, but then you remember it was your fault that everyone leaves you. (who would want to be around someone mental as you?) you swear your toes are blue from the cold, your nose is probably purple (you also managed to think that your hands were shaking)

the words 'no one will ever love you if you don't love yourself' have almost become a mantra to stay alive. of course you have to bash yourself with thoughts of that never happening (you can't do anything without a touch of self loathing).

as the sunrise turns the sky shades of pink and it shines between your curtains at 6am, the birds sing their morning song, you sigh and try to tell yourself  'today is a new day, anything could happen'. just so you (somehow) don't disappoint yourself you pretend to believe the outright lie.