Teenage Dirtbag, Baby.-A 1D/Mcfly fanfic.

Fade to black

She's gone friend ,and I don't mean that as in she got better and went away for the week. Jesus I wish she was out doing that. Though that's not what she's doing, no, she's not out exploring because she couldn't fight it anymore. We all thought she was going to make it,we really did. She didn't though. We only had a few weeks of knowing that she was dying. She didn't tell us because she didn't want to distract us from our own lives,she was planning on just fading away and leaving a mystery. She said she was sorry for it. She had it in her head that she could of gone back in time and stopped it, like it was actually her fault.

We were all there when it happened, sitting around that hospital bed that she had been restrained to, tangled in the cords and tubes. Her last day she stopped talking, her beautiful voice no longer remaining an all that was there to replace it was a void of unnerving silence. The same day she stopped listening to music, maybe because she knew that any song could be her last, or maybe it was because that was what she left behind. Eventually she stopped pretending to be okay, she showed us that she wasn't. But we were crying friend, and she couldn't comfort anymore.

On that day we all knew she was going to go, we just didn't want to except it. We just sat there for hours that day, she didn't move, she just stared at the ceiling as if she was waiting for it to open up and consume her. It was in the last 5 minutes that she opened her mouth. She spoke out, "Can you sing me to sleep?" Her voice was still beautiful friend, even through all of the pain it was still the most beautiful thing. And we all stopped in shock, none of us knew what to do, but we did what we wanted, we sang to her until she slept. She died friend, right infront of me. We watched as it consumed her over the weeks, it ate away at all that she was, yet when she died she was still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. As she died all of her spirit radiated from deep within her , it escaped from every gap that there was and filled or lungs as we breathed it in.

I've run out of tears too friend, and I hate myself for it, and they all look at me like I'm a monster. The hole in my heart is gaping, but I can't bring myself to cry.

We can't turn the radio on anymore, because every time we do their song is on. It was released the day before she died, and now it's a hit. And all they do is ask for more, because all that they want is a show, a show that she can't give them.

She was beautiful too, but not like those girls in magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful for that sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile even if she was miserable on the inside. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. No, she was beautiful deep down to her soul. She was beautiful up until the second she died, heck, she's still beautiful. But now she's cold to the core, and lifeless to the heart.

She left a note too friend, left it in her apartment, atop her stereo system. The back of the page was haunting, covered in drawings of dark angels and crows, but among all of the darkness she had one thing, infinity. Showing how she was, how she is and how she forever will be. She is infinite.

'I guess I bit the bullet then, guess my time is up' It read 'I'm sorry I didn't tell you what was going on, but the marks humans leave are to often scars, and you are the things that I most desperately wish not to scar. You, my friends, managed to give me forever in a very small number of days, and for that I am forever grateful. This thing that I had, it hurt, yet you were the drugs that I used to dull the pain. You made it stop for a short while before it kicked in again with a vengeance.

When you die, everything manages to make more sense then it did before, maybe it's because you don't care as much, but either way it makes everything seem wonderful. Please try to think like that, try to not care as much. When everything became clearer one thing became alarmingly evident; We spend our lives going in circles. Our circles are infinite, though some infinities are smaller than others. My infinity will just be shorter then yours.

I don't want any of you to be sad, and I realise that's a very unrealistic wish, but I still want it to be that way. I just want you to try to be happy, try to rebuild.

I'm sorry that I stopped doing things, stopped trying as hard. I just became so scared of hurting someone else that I ended up hurting myself instead.

When you die, the world alters itself, all the ugly things become beautiful and al the beautiful things imperial. I only began to noticed how the leaves dance in the breeze, and how the light can make anything appear beautiful. I made this discovery almost all to late.

Please, just promise me that you won't sit by existing, I need you t be out there living. Please don't just sit around waiting on the world to change for you, go out and change it yourself.

I became numb in the end, unaware of the pain that was slowly dragging me down. The physical pain left, but I was always in fear mentally, that I would die before I got the chance to say goodbye. I hope I did say goodbye, I hope I let you know that I love you and I hope I told you that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that it had to end this way, and I'm sorry that I'm gone and that I can't come back, I just can't.

The hard fact is that you'll go on without me, whether you want to or not. You're going to keep doing music, because you love it, because you need it, because it's a temporary pain relief for your brain.

You'll be okay, I promise.

You just will be.

Clapton'

What killed about the letter was it's heart stabbing honesty. She is dead. She looked peaceful when she died too, and that killed me a little bit too, the fact that maybe she was happier up there then she was down here.

The stars will fade from day to day,

The thunder hurts the calming rain,

The autumn leaves will blow away,

The beautiful silence will kill the pain

The worried eyes will find the daze,

The buckling knees will find the way,

The shining light will fight the haze,

The beautiful silence will fill the day.

The moon will sacrifice itself,

The sun will find its perfect health,

The rook will find its unlead way,

The beautiful silence will guide away.