Red Snow

You don't have to listen to anyone

December 6th 3:23am
CARMEN

My arms were shaking when I followed the nurse through the sliding doors of the hospital. I wrapped my arms around myself as I walked down a long hallway. There were big ornaments hanging from the ceiling an inch from my head, a small Christmas tree was on the front desk. I had forgotten that it was Christmas time. There was tinsel wrapping around the front of the main desk. The main desk was bustling with people.

This was what I was used to. Nurses walking from room to room, some running down the hallway to help a patient, the front desk full of people rushing around as if they're in a hurry. Because they are, there are lives at sake. There were no smiles in a hospital, no happiness, just grim faces. Sure, sometimes the odd smile will appear when someone is told their loved one will live. From my experience, it rarely happens.

The nurse stopped at room 214. I made a mental note to remember that number. She glanced at me and walked into the room.

I took a deep breath behind the wall of the room. It's okay. I thought to myself. You know what it will look like. He'll be hooked up to thousands of machines and tubes. He will look horrible in his weak state and you won't be able to do anything about it. Get over it. You've seen it before. You're fine.

I took another deep breath and locked my lips. Just as I was about to go in, the nurse reappeared in the doorway. She smiled sadly at me. "I must warn you miss, what you're about to see is gruesome. But I promise you its worse then it looks."

I nodded and tried to smile at her. She turned around and walked back into the room. I tensed my shoulders and followed suit.

It was much worse than I was expecting, it's always been worse. He was connected to wires and tubes as I predicted but it was much much worse than that. His hair was matted back in sweat, his eyes closed but fretful. They were moving back and forth under his eyelids, while his entire body was shaking. There were dark circles under his eyes, darker then I've ever seen them. His cheekbones stuck out painfully, I could see the exact spot where the bone got bigger than before. I could see his collarbone poking through his shirt.

And then there was the blood. His shirt had been ripped open at the bottom and drying blood was on his stomach. The blood had seeped onto his bedsheets, still drying. There was blood everywhere. On his arms, his pants, his face, the bed, the floor, his hair. I clamped a hand to my mouth to keep from crying out his name.

There was another nurse who was attempting to clean up the sopping blood but she didn't seem to be getting anywhere. I watched as she grabbed another white towel from a basket beside the bed, throwing the red -- almost black -- towel in a trash can. I tried to inhale oxygen into my lungs.

I was ready. I was ready to come in here and accept the fact that Kai wasn't going to make it much longer. I was ready to accept that, I was prepared to have to unplug him and help him end the process quicker. I was ready to say goodbye, to give him one last kiss, to tell him how much I loved him. I was ready for all of it, the entire hard tough decision that they would want me to make about his life.

I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't prepared to see his beautiful face full of blood and pain. I wasn't ready for his body to jerk every few seconds. I wasn't prepared for all of the blood, all of the pain flooding through his body. I wasn't ready for any of it.

I was completely ready for his death, it's what I was expecting all along. Yet, there was still a tinny bit of hope left inside me. I still believed that he will make it out of this alive. I know now that no matter how bad the illness is, people will always have hope that by some miracle, they will make it out. It's human nature to still hope. No matter how small, I still believe somewhere deep inside me that he might have a chance. There always is, there always will be.

I walked up Kai cautiously, as if I walked too quickly he might break. I sat down on the chair beside the bed. I gripped onto Kai's bloodstained hand like it was my life rope. His breathing was ragged but his body wasn't shaking as violently as before. His eyes were still moving under his eyelids, so I touched the tips of them lightly. I leaned in close to his face.

"It's okay." I whispered to him. "I'm hear, hun. I'm not leaving, I promise." I kissed the tip of his hand.

It took a minute, but his eyelids stopped moving so feverishly. I was surprised about what just happened. He could hear me. I looked around the room for some type of explanation. The room had three nurses in it and what I was assuming was a doctor. He had a white lab coat on along with a stethoscope around his neck. They were all watching me.

The nurse that walked me into the room stepped forward. "You're friend is in a comatose state. He is not asleep, we assume he can hear you and feel you. However, he cannot move his body or open his eyes." She explained. I momentarily wondered why nurses and doctors were so robotic.

I looked at Kai's face, I had to admit, it was a painful sight. If he was anyone else, I would just leave him so I didn't have to look at him. But he was Kai, the boy who went through everything with me.

I turned back to the set of nurses. "Does that mean he can feel everything? Including the pain?"

The nurse cringed slightly, then nodded. "We have him on a morphine drip, so it is not as painful as it may look."

Now it was the doctors turn to speak. "Miss Eastwood, correct?" I nodded. "My name is doctor Sherman I will be your friends doctor for the remaining time he stays here. He's in a critical state, he may have only a few days. Do you understand what I am saying?"

My blood turned cold. I pursed my lips, I knew this. I was expecting this. Then why does it hurt? I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, a lump forming in my throat. I swallowed it down, pushing back my tears in the process. I nodded to the doctor.

"Okay. Good." He tried a smile, I just glared back at him. "I am regretting to inform you that we have made a mistake. I told Kathleen here, that you are welcome to come to see Mr. Vella. Although, I meant after we cleaned him up a bit. Purely a miscommunication on my part. I am sorry that you had to see Mr. Vella in such a bad state. I am here to ask you now if you could leave the room until it is in better condition and more suitable for you."

My heart sank. I only had a small matter of time with him, and they wanted me to leave? I shook my head. "No." Doctor Sherman tried to interject but I spoke over him. "No. Not happening. There's barely any time left with him right now and I want to savour this. I don't care about the blood, I've seen worse. Please sir, let me stay."

Sherman looked at his nurses, then back at me. "Miss Eastwood, I'm sorry to say that it is against our policy to allow that. Now, if you would please exit this room now or else I will have to force you out."