When I Fell In Love

for the first time.

"That's one of the first things that comes out of young people's mouths when they're in love. FOREVER. And that's cool, it's all good-until you get old enough to realize what forever is."
-Ice-T

Let's just say, I was a romantic from a very young age.

I shushed the blonde haired boy next to me.

"Someone's going to hear us."

At five years old, that sentence didn't hold quite the same insinuations as it might now that I'm an adult. However, the idea was the same then as it would be if I said it now - I did not want to get caught in the position we were in.

It was completely innocent, of course.

I was five. He was five. We were boyfriend and girlfriend, but we didn't really know what that meant.

The only thing we knew for certain was this:

Boyfriends and girlfriends kissed.

Even as a child, my head was full of starry dreams of nice boys and forevers, and five year old me knew the blonde boy would be my forever. So, of course, we had to seal my silly dream with a kiss.

Of course, five year old me also had the same anxiety as I do now, so planning out this kiss for the previous two days with the blonde haired love of my life and actually kissing the blonde haired love of my life were turning out to be incredibly different experiences.

We were sitting under plastic playhouse. The top was nothing short of a castle, complete with a slide and monkey bars that I was known for conquering. Underneath, however, was a small, den-like space made to look like a kitchen with stickers of stoves and cupboards and tables stuck to the walls. It was the closest thing to privacy two five year olds were going to get.

I remember blinking at him as we sat in our kitchen-den. Now, I'd deem it as an awkward moment, but as a child, awkward was a word that didn't have a place in my mouth. At the time, in the moment, we just were.

We were two little kids, not sure what love meant, but sure that it was what we shared. We were both terrified of getting caught, but excited to be with each other. We were innocent and naive and no love I've experienced since has been as thrilling and pure as it was when I was five.

So, there we sat, sitting pretty far apart and slowly leaning into each other. My heart was thumping hard in my chest. At the time, I didn't know what an anxiety attack was, but, now, I'm positive that I had been on the brink of one. I had fear and excitement eating up every empty spot in my brain and I was left feeling overwhelmed and close to short circuiting when I heard a tiny voice coming through the small hole that served as an entrance to our kitchen-den.

"What are you doing?"

I had snapped my back straight and stared wide eyed at the other girl. I knew her from my class. She was small and had a tiny voice that sounded like bells and she was notorious for being a tattle tale.

"Nothing," I had said quickly.

She had looked at us with mischievous eyes and smiled.

"Oh-kay."

We watched her walk away and my companion under the castle turned back towards me to continue where we had left off. I had just stared at him. He was my blonde haired, blue eyed prince who was so different than anything I had ever seen before. His odd features were what had cause me to become enamored with him. I came from a world of dark, earthy tones, my own eyes and hair nearly black. His skin was bright, almost translucent, and shone beautifully next to my own sandy color.

As beautiful as he was, as much as I had adored him, the pounding in my chest was still going strong. Fear ate away at me. I did not want to get caught. I did not want to get in trouble. I did not want to be looked at differently, as I was always the good girl who followed the rules.

So, as he leaned towards me again, I shot up and made my way towards the hole to get out.

"We'll try again tomorrow," I had thrown over my shoulder, scrambling to my feet and over to the swings.

Tomorrow came and, for the first time, but definitely not the last, I listened to my head instead of my heart and broke the heart of a blue-eyed angel alongside my own.