When I Fell In Love

and he didn't love me.

"...unrequited love does not die; it's only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded. For some unfortunates, it turns bitter and mean, and those who come after pay the price for the hurt done by the one who came before."
Elle Newmark, The Book of Unholy Mischief

It's no wonder my heart became a black hole.

His face is one I still think of from time to time.

He was different than the others.

His hair was the color of my favorite sweet and his eyes were the same, flecked with bits of gold and green that mesmerized my tiny little heart.

His face was pale, and as such, the constellations on his cheeks that matched my own were vibrant and bright and completely identifiable against his skin. For the first time in my eight years, I saw freckles, and instead of finding them to be a reminder of the mother I never got to know and who never wanted to know me, I found them captivating. Beautiful, even.

No, he wasn't like the others at all.

Where I had always had the comanding personality on the playground previously, he now commanded our peers.

Games were lead under his authority. He appointed the roles in cops and robbers. He was the one to go to when one was unsure of the rules.

He came from a military family and understood leadership in a way that was unfamiliar, but entirely enticing to my young mind.

Even at that early age, I knew what I liked - a boy who could take control.

The problem with control, however, is that those who have mastered it, often are unaware as to how to relinquish it. He was one of those people.

Because by this point, my best boyfriend had once again become my best boy friend and the splinters of his shattered heart built the wall between me and our mutual friend. This boy understood loyalty almost as well as he understood control and no amount of prodding on my end could make him release either from his grip.

And so, for the first time, it was I who was left to pine after the one whose love could never be mine.

It was me who his eyes brushed over, seeming to erase my presence on the playground with just a thought.

It was me whose witty remarks and silly words were ignored or scoffed at over the lunch tables.

It was me that finally understood that a love unrequited burned like venom in my veins and acid in my heart.

Karma had come to greet me, and I was left wishing she'd make a timely departure.

But no, she still had business to attend to.

Because now, my commander had a new lieutenant on the playground to help facilitate the games.

This lieutenant had ashy blonde hair and big blue eyes that even I couldn't deny the beauty of. She had and was exactly what I wanted, and I thought the burning could not hurt more.

And then one day I saw chocolate and ash meet in the middle and suddenly my heart was the one that splintered.

Karma left that day and constellations ceased to hold any more of my wonder.

Even now, freckles still make bitterness burn in the back my throat.