WORLD IN MY HANDS

Not in the mood

When I woke up I found that I have school today. I wish that it would be over but no, it's 6.30 am so let's go to the bus. Nancy called me because bus came, so I ran to the bus station like every day. She just hugged me and I was so happy because I know I have her in my life. Like every morning we have so many things to tell to each other and we can't stop talking.
When we came to school we ignored each other with Lena so yeah, cool , we won't speak to each other ever again.
"What do you mean about that?"
Oh I am in class and we have sociology. We have class about suicide and I have so many thoughts about it but I sit quietly and don't say anything. I talk about things we study but today I brought silent in class. Teacher asked if I was okay and I said totally but I'm just not in the mood of talking to anyone. I'm not even in mood to dance and I'm always in mood to dance but today I pretend not to be there. When I came home I should be study but I'm not in the mood for this eather. After every meal I ate, I throw up. I'm not in the mood for anything, specially for living.
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"Tell me" uhh, not YOU again... I'm not in the mood to talk to him. He have gifriend now and I don't want to get attached again. I would be so painfull because Yes I do like him and No, I don't want to talk to him. So I decided to ignored his message. *seen* well he text me again. Oh, human. What are you doing with me? Do you really want to destroy me? If not, then don't write me, don't call me' just don't be there for me, cuz one day I won't be there for you either.
You asked me at the morning why do I take sleeping pills and the answer was "because I can't sleep. They're not the only pills I have. I have it too many."
And you know that I'm not good that I have so many problems. So yes I am fucked just like you said.
"Well you're fucked"
And I answer politely to your words "Yes I am pretty much fucked. But even those fucked people, like me exist."
I took sleeping pills right now. One and another and another and another one. If I can count I took four pills and I know I shouldn't take them so many but I don't have any idea what to do with my life anymore. I'm not dead but I'm not live eather. Because those pills hit me hard I can't write anymore.
I'm drowning in deep deep sleep. Tomorrow will be another day, full of adventure, full of amazing people. Fun, fun, fun. Have you felt my sarcasm?
Right now, my heart is shattered in million pieces and I'm holding on. What am I supposed to do? Go to sleep. I must forget him at least at night.