Tender Kisses and Gentle Hearts

chapter 6- Saudade

Saudade: The feeling of longing for something or someone who you love and which is lost.

"I get it now. I get it. The things that you hope for the most are the things that destroy you in the end."

-John Green and David Levithan, Will Grayson, Will Grayson

chapter 6- Saudade

Amy

My pocket starts vibrating as I reach down to grab my phone. I squint, trying to read the name on the screen but the sun is making that impossible. I sigh and pick up the phone, hoping it's not an unknown number.

"Hello?" I speak uncertainly.

I hear some rustling in the background as a voice, answers. "Hey, Amelia. It's me, Luca."

"Oh." I stutter. "Um wow. You do keep a promise."

He laughs. I had forgotten what a beautiful sound that was. A melody demanding attention. "Listen, I was wondering if you'd want to meet up right now. I have some things to talk to you about."

I nod then realize he can't see me. "Oh yeah sure, I'm free right now. And I also want to um speak to you. Where?"

"Hm, Raven's Bookshop, how about there? Are you nearby?" My heart stops as I hear the name of the bookstore I'm standing in front of. "Amelia? Amelia?"

"Oh, yeah sorry. Yes, I am nearby." I gulp. "I'm hanging up."

"Okay, see you there." He chirps as I hung up.

I walk inside and am instantly greeted with the smell of books and coffee. Raven's was part bookstore part coffee shop and although they don't have the best coffee they do have a pretty good selection of books.

I look around trying to find Luca. I spot him over at the High Fantasy aisle and I smile. I had been obsessing with that genre lately. I walk over to him. He picks up a book and turns it around to read the summary. I tap on his shoulder and he turns around with a grin on his face.

"Hey!" He exclaims. "What's up?"

"Nothing much," I say happily. "What are you doing in a bookstore? I thought you didn't like to read?"

"Lots of things have changed since you left." He says as his blue eyes look to his right. Silence falls over us and my smile slowly fades.

I clear my throat. "Well I'm here, what did you want to talk about?"

"Don't play dumb, Amelia." He says frustrated. "I want an explanation or am I not worth one?"

I sigh and run my fingers through my short hair. "No, you do deserve one."

He looks back at me. "So?"

"I did leave you one," I mutter uncomfortably as I look down at my shoes. "The letter?"

He laughs sarcastically. "Oh yeah, how could I forget ?" I flinch at his harsh tone. "Amelia, you left when you were still in recovery! And you just drove away leaving me with no explanation. Annie literally tied me up so that I wouldn't follow you. And then, just as I was starting to accept that you were gone, the letter arrives."

"Well didn't that help? With moving on?" I say softly.

"No!" He shouts and tears start forming in my eyes. "That just made everything worse."

"Well, it was true. You were going to reject me." I defend myself.

"No." He looks away. "I loved you."

I look up at him in disbelief.

"I no longer do, though. Have a good life, Amelia Frail." He says in an emotionless tone as he puts the book back in its shelf and walks away.

I stood there stunned as I watched him leave.

You know how when someone tells you something that shocks you, you just stay there and try to process it until the whole thing becomes crystal clear. As I walked out of that bookstore thirty minutes later, I was still trying to process what Luca had said to me.

I loved you.

Loved.

Such a beautiful word in the present tense, in the future tense, but not in the past tense. It refers to what was rather than what is or what could be. I didn't register where my feet were taking me until I was standing in front of Ben & Jerry's. Nothing like some good ole' ice cream to try to pick up my heart once again.

Everything after that seemed like somewhat of a blur. I bought the ice cream, went back to my dorm, faced the devil once again, and ate my ice cream. Needless to say, Scarlett disapproved of me eating that tube of ice cream completely, something about calories and me getting fat. I just shrugged and continued eating which led to her letting an exasperated sigh out and leaving the room.

One tube of ice cream and a rom-com later, I felt full and sleepy. I got up and threw the trash away and went back to bed. It was clearly a bad idea. My mind just kept going back to that conversation with Luca. Of course, he loved me, it was obvious. But I was just an insecure young girl madly in love with the king of mixed signals. Looking at it now, his mixed signals were clearer, but back then I was oblivious.

I felt my eyelids getting heavy and let out one last sigh before I drifted off into sleep.

"So, he basically confessed his love for you and then left you there?" Levi asked confused.

I shook my head. "He told me he was in love with me and then he said he wasn't anymore, and then he left me there."

"What a jerk." He sat up straighter, trying to find a comfortable position which was nearly impossible since he was in a hospital bed and I know how uncomfortable they are. "Have you seen Annie lately?"

"Yeah, a lot of times actually," I sigh. "she was a mess."

Levi puts on a pained expression and I know it's not because of his broken leg or bruised face, not any physical pain, but emotional. "How bad?"

Cringing, I answer, "You don't want to know. Definitely not our Annie, though."

He falls silent with a solemn expression on his face. "I did this to her." He whispers. "I broke her."

"Levi, come on, it wasn't your fault. You didn't know you were getting drugged and then forced to kiss that same person that drugged you. How did Annie find out, anyway?"

"I told her. Then-" His eyes welled up. "Amy, you should've seen her. She looked so broken, so broken. Like you had just told her everyone she loves had died and she had no one left. Then she tried to hide it with her strong girl facade, she shouted at me and told me to never talk to her again. The rest you already know."

"Wait," I say trying to process all this. "but didn't you at least, try to explain the whole situation to her?"

He nods. "She wouldn't hear me out."

"Well, sometimes people are so heartbroken that they become deaf, blind, mute. They only focus on their heart, breaking and nothing else. Annie must have accepted it, in some dark twisted way, and she didn't want you to change her mind. That's what heartbreak does to people, it makes them ignorants and hypocrites, but after all, they're just broken."