Because of Youtube

Chapter Nine: If only he knew

      AUTHOR'S NOTE!!!! 
This chapter deals in teen suicide and has a lot of gore well kinda it will be a very emotional chapter so if you can't handle stuff like that then i wouldn't read this chapter. Don't say I didn't warn you.

 Ricky had gone off somewhere, Connor had taken Trevor home, Kian, Jc, and Sam had all left so I was home alone. Heartbroken and confused I went to the kitchen. Tears streaming down my face, I hit the kitchen knives and they fell to the floor with a loud clang that echo'ed throught the house, I fell to my knees. Did they seriously think it was a good idea to leave a girl so broken as me alone? I am bound to end up hurting myself. Because I am irrationaly and upset. I had my heart broken, and Connor thought it'd be cute to leave his phone here with me. Well his old brick of a phone, he said I could use it until I got a new phone, he'd given the number out to Kian and Ricky so they could call me.

Blindedly I grabbed a kitchen knife and held out my left arm, my wrist was badly scared from years of  self- harm. I pressed the tip of the knife into the edge of a scar, I watched a little droplet form. I yanked the knife acrossed my wrist forming a large ugly gash, blood sprang forth quickly. I ran the knife acrossed my arm again. I laughed. I hadn't felt so happy cutting myself in a long time. I watched as the blood started to pool painted the floor a beautiful crimson color. I lost count of how many times I ran the knife acrossed my arm, but I knew I'd have to change sides soon. I was running out of uncut flesh. 

        I switched hands and started to cut my right arm. It hurt. But not as much as I expected. I guess it was because I was becoming numb to the pain. I mean  I'd been cutting myself since I was seven years old. Hell I've been depressed since I was that age. Kids bullied me for everything and anything. My hair, my voice since it'd been really squeaky and I studdered. My name. Diana what was I royalty? I was physically beatten too. They'd punch me, kick me, push me. How did they get away with that. I layed down the knife and should up my phone had started to ring. I felt like a zombie. "Hello?" I said.

  "Diana can we talk? It's Trevor." The caller said. I wanted to hang up right then and there. He'd already broken me. What more did he want? I kind of felt dizzy but I didn't mind it. It was almost like I was high.

 "How did you get my new number?" I asked  my voice cracked, it was so hollow.

"I kinda stole Kian's phone......" Trevor admitted. I sighed and hung up. Why couldn't he leave me alone? My phone started to ring again. I ignored it.  Grabbing my camera I walked to Connor's room shaking. I  sat on his bed. I wiped away my tears using my shirt. My arms had stopped bleeding as much.

            I knew what I was going to do, I'd been close to it for years. I was so numb I probably wouldn't stop myself for anything in the world. My voicemail kicked on. "Diana. Please pick up, I really want to talk to you." Trevor said. He sounded hoarse.

Again my phone lit up, he was calling again. Did he not get the message? I don't want to talk to you. "Diana I swear to god if you don't pick up I will call Connor and the police. I saw your scars I don't want you to hurt yourself." Trevor said, I could almost hear the tears streaming down his face. Too late for me not to hurt myself I thought.

                    Turning on the camera and facing it to me I started to cry again. "Hey it's Dc. And if you're watching this then I am probably dead. I hung myself. I've thought about it for years. This isn't just because of Trevor. But he is definatly what set me over the edge. I have so many reasons why I am doing this, it would probably take years for me to list them all." I looked over at my phone, Trevor was calling again. I laughed. "Look Trevor is calling me again..Connor if you find this. I love you and I' sorry that I've never told you my story. The story behind my scars, I know you used to ask me about them all the time, especially when you would see me with a new bandage. So kind and loving you always were. But even that couldn't have saved me for long. Ricky if you find this. You were so close to me. And I love you like a brother. But my story will go with me to the grave. Good bye. Please remember that you is kind, you is smart, you is beautiful, and you is so important. You deserve only the best, unlike me, I am just a suicidle little unloved ginger. "

            I smiled faintly before I stopped the video. It seemed so sentimental that I would end my video like old times. With something Connor would always cue to me when I was upset, minus the you deserve the best unlike me part, Connor didn't say that to me. That would have just been super weird if he had.

       The camera fell from my hand, it hit the ground and probably broke. I stepped over it. My phone started ringing, it was Connor's ringtone. I grabbed a scarf I could lying on Connor's dresser. It was probably Hunter's.  "Diana. I know you aren't sleeping, please answer my phone call." Connor's voice said, it echo'd. Just like everything else.

      I stepped into the bathroom and looked around. There were all kinds of medications in the medician cabnit but I overlooked them. I threw off the shower curtain. Sitting on the edge I carefully made the hangmans noose.

         I tried the other end to the shower rod. My hands were shaking as I slipped the noose over my head, it sat so loosely and calmly on my neck. I reached behind me and tightend it. Not to tight though. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

         "If you ever feel sad just remember the good things, they should always out weigh the bad, right?" I said to myself. I paused, I couldn't think of a single happy memory. All I could think of was the painful,

         I stepped off the edge of the bath tub and the noose went tight, imediately my vision blurred and I took deep breaths. I didn't struggle, I didn't have the will to. I heard the sound of a car pulling up to the house and people getting out, the door to the apartment opened and I heard concerned voices. It was all probably just a trick of my mind as I neared death's door. I could hear a scream, had someone seen the gore of the kitchen floor? I really should have cleaned that up, all well.  It's not like it matters now. How much blood had I lost anyways? I wondered. I closed my mouth, it's been agapped. It's not like that would help, my throat was being crushed. Might as well speed up the process by not breathing.

            My head pounded I guess that was to be expected I was loosing the blood that went to my brain. I had honestly expected to be dead by now, how long had I been hanging anyways? A minute? Ten minutes? And hour? I had no idea. Would someone find my body first or the camera? I had so many questions.

         Why did Trevor sound so worried. He said he didn't want to see me again hadn't he? Boys are so awkward. First their all like I hate you, then they're all like Don't hurt youself. You suicidle little bitch. I bet that's what Trevor is thinking about, how bad it'd make him feel if I ended up killing mysef right after we got into a big fight. How bad would that look to his ego?

           I lost sight of the room, and feeling to my body. I didn't see any blinding light like people talk about all the time,  I guess I wasn't good enough to make it to heaven, but I already expected that. Cold, dark, alone, I guess that's what is instore for me until I come into my next life. Well that's kind of crappy. I had atleast hoped to be warm in death. Chilling in the firey pits of hell I had eeriely hoped for it when I would die that I would get to chill with the devil, I mean it's not like I hadn't been called the devil's spond for years. So it seemed fitting that I'd be in hell. Maybe suicide was unwelcomed everywhere. What a shame.

          

            Author's note again
This chapter is very close to me expecially the last paragraph. But is the story over? That is the question.