Out of the Shadows [Book Three]

Chapter Ten:

Chapter Ten: 

I sat quietly in the Great Hall during breakfast, starring down at my trembling fingers.  Bitterness swelled within me, filling my every pore, my every vein.  

'People have been tortured into insanity by this curse, my own parents were.'  I wasn't insane, I knew that, I knew that people have been given worse by the Cruciatus curse but still I was bitter.  I felt broken and frail for the first time in my entire sixteen years of life.  

I let my eyes roam over the Great Hall, letting them connect with Draco first.  His pity was palpable even over this distance that sat between us and I could see the regret swimming in his eyes.  He, too, did not eat breakfast.  Next they landed on Ginny who sat two seats down, she ate quietly and slowly, jumping at loud noises but also letting her own blue eyes move to me ever few seconds to check how I was doing.  Collin sat on my left and Neville on my right, both protective and both helping me with the most menial of tasks despite the fact that I'd told them I needed no help. 

Christmas holidays were upon us, it had been a month and a half since that day on the Quidditch field and yet it was still what everyone whispered about as they passed me in the halls.  

"The poor girl, look what the Carrows did to her."  

"I'm so glad that wasn't me."  

"It's her own fault for refusing to practice the curse."  

After breakfast, every student would leave Hogwarts; whether they had somewhere to go or not, they would not stay in these halls, with these professors.  I was included in that, as I had been invited to the Weasley's and I agreed knowing that Lupin would be there.  He was the only family I could speak to, though Ginny, Neville and Collin had all quickly become family to me as well; but I desperately needed Lupin, to have a fatherly figure who could just hold me and make me feel protected like a father should.  

I moved my hand towards my cup of water, frowning as Neville grabbed it for me.  

"Let me try, Nev," I practically begged, because I knew it would never get better unless I actively tried.  Frowning, he set it back to the table and watched intently as my quaking hands grasped the cold glass mug and slowly picked it up with both hands before placing it to my chapped and cracked lips.  After taking a drink, I went to set it back down when a tremor swept through my arms down to my fingertips, causing me to lose hold of the cup.  

I clenched my eyes shut in anger at myself for my failure as I listened to the mug shatter against the tile flooring of the Great Hall and almost instantly all eyes were on me; everyone wanted to know what happened, what I would do and whether I was okay.  

I stood up quickly, picked up the broken shards of my glass (wincing as I sliced my thumb just barely on a shard of ceramic) and placed them on the table to be cleaned up properly by the house elves before exiting the Great Hall with my usual trio of friends following quickly behind me.  I couldn't be trusted alone it seemed.

I let Neville help me up the moving staircases because he insisted and once we'd made it into the Gryffindor Common room, I moved up to my own room to finish packing my clothes up.  I left my school supplies because I knew I would be returning in just a couple of too-short weeks.  Collin and his brother would not be returning, he'd already informed me of that, due to the fear that the Carrows would figure out his lie-filled family tree.  He was going to take his parents and go into hiding with them.  

Ginny, I knew, didn't want to return and planned on asking her mother to also go into hiding for fear that the Death Eaters would stop going after the Muggleborn and begin on the so-called Blood Traitors.  I was stubborn, there was no plan of me staying away from Hogwarts, I would return and show everyone that I was not a coward; that the Carrow's could not scare me away.  

I struggled to keep hold of my clothing as I put it into a small bag with an Extendable charm placed on it, my arms shook and my fingers twitched intermittently but I persevered through my problems, wanting and wishing desperately that everything could go back to normal but knowing that it may never do that.  

I packed up my spell-making help books as well, knowing that the next couple of weeks would be spent attempting to invent new defense spells for Dumbledore's Army but also I had plans to develop something to help Neville, or rather to help his parents.  His voice had haunted me since that night nearly two months ago, reminding me over and over again that his parents had been driven to insanity by the Cruciatus curse.  I was nearly broken but they were actually broken and Neville, more than anyone, deserved happiness.  What better way to give him that than to help make a cure for his parents insanity?

* 

Molly and Arthur Weasley were the only ones waiting for Ginny and I as we exited the train at Platform 9 and 3/4, and though they looked haggard they smiled and while Arthur hugged his daughter, Molly hugged me.  I knew that they had no way of knowing that I'd even been injured, we weren't allowed to send owls without sending them through the Carrow's first and nobody wanted to go to them of their own volition.  She didn't know that even know too tight of a hug could cause me pain, and she didn't know that I was using such a tremendous amount of strength just to keep a grip on my own small bag; so I didn't hold it against her.  I just let her hug me and wondered if all mothers hugged like that or if it was just Mrs. Weasley who could make someone feel so happy with such a small gesture.  

They apparated us back to their home where quickly enough the Weasley twins Fred and George were hugging and teasing their youngest sibling who, for the first time it seemed, since the beginning of this school year, actually smiled brightly in happiness.  

Suddenly, my fingers jerked and caused me to drop my bag and though it felt light and it looked small, it gave a loud THUD  as it smashed into the ground, causing everyone to look at me.  My chest felt tight at the tell-tale anxiety I'd begun to feel ever since that day came back to me.  My hands shook terribly as I bent down to pick it back up only to drop it not moments later.  Taking quick but deep breaths, I tried not to get upset at what was happening.  

Ginny picked up my bag and held it in her hand before grasping onto my shoulder and making me look into her eyes.  "It's okay, it will be okay, you will be okay.  Don't rush it, Amy."  

It was the same thing she always said before I had a meltdown and it had never failed to make me calm down just as it was intended to do.  I slowed my breathing down before turning to Mrs. Weasley.  "Can you write to Remus Lupin and ask him to come, please."  

I could see that four of the five Weasley's that surrounded me were confused about what had just happened and I knew that they wanted to ask about it but were too polite to do it.  I could feel my eyes filling with tears of embarrassment at my own mistakes and the overwhelming need to have all three of my friends around me so I could feel protected was enough to make me want to hyperventilate.  Ginny grasped hold of my hand and led me to the couch where I could sit and attempt to calm down all over again.  

I just wanted Collin and Neville, or Harry or Draco or someone.  Someone else, one person wasn't enough, I wanted them all and I knew that was selfish and I knew it was needy and weak but in the moment, I didn't care.  I just wanted to feel safe again.  

"Please mum, write to Professor Lupin, she needs her family by her side this holiday," Ginny pleaded for me, her voice shaking with emotions and her hand wrapped tightly around my own.  

"Of course, I'll tell him to come right away."